Opinion

Our opinion: Drastic action necessary in face of hawk menace

The University of Miami is facing a severe problem. No, not economic turmoil, or a lack of parking. Or even the end of spring football. No, this is a threat to our very existence. The cause of such concern? Hawks.

The red-shouldered hawk has returned to campus. For at least the past three years, the east side of campus near Mahoney-Pearson and the West Lab Elementary School has been made a death trap with the arrival of these agents of Satan himself. They nest, they swoop and they attack. Yet we go on about our lives as though nothing has happened. Well, fellow students, it is now time to act. Here are our proposals:

1. President Shalala must immediately evacuate all university buildings east of the canal (towards US-1), including Mahoney-Pearson Residential College, in an orderly manner, preferably avoiding pavement. Even though the BankUnited Center is almost a half-mile away as the hawk flies, this is no time to cut corners.

2. A comprehensive plan must be developed by the university administration, including a blue-ribbon panel to discuss hawk removal, and the funding of a hawk-protection program, including, but not limited to, hawk suits and hawk hats for all students, faculty and staff.

3. A re-evaluation of all future university construction on campus with hawks in mind. Features should include hawk sirens, the removal of all trees and the possibility of doming the Coral Gables campus.

As we have said, these are not easy actions to take. But we must protect the safety and well-being of the university community at all costs. Not only will this protect us from the evils of the hawks, it will stimulate our local economy. The time for words is over. The time for action is now.

Note: This editorial was written on April 1, 2009.

April 1, 2009

Reporters

Editorial Board

The Miami Hurricane


3 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “Our opinion: Drastic action necessary in face of hawk menace”

  1. There4theMusic,

    Thanks for your excitement. There is a very specific reason for the note. We’ve had a history of people/news outlets taking our AFD works as fact. We figured it was better to be safe than sorry. We maintained the subtlety so it wouldn’t be a hokey kind of joke at the end, but made it clear to anyone paying attention.

  2. There4theMusic says:

    I was so excited to read this wonderful, satirical humor — you know the kind a college newspaper should be full of — and then I saw the “note.”

    The note is disturbing for two reasons:

    1) You thought that the UM population may in fact take this seriously, or you take yourself so seriously that you worry there are others like you

    2) That you thought it was good enough to be an April Fools joke

    Hurricane Editorial Board, it’s ok to be funny every once in a while, even unapologetically so.

    Proceed accordingly.

  3. RJO says:

    O ye of little understanding. Do you not realize that the importance of these very hawks to the future educational standing of your university has already been subject to in-depth analysis on major international websites?

    http://collegiateway.org/news/2007-college-auspex

    Have you no fear of the Gods? Zeus may tarry, but he avenges still.

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.