V's Take

Happy holidays, hometown hoes!

I put forth this itching and burning query – a sensation similarly induced by the pool itself – to you dear reader, what could possibly be in the opaque vat of liquid we so shamelessly call a pool?

Happy homecoming! I’m sure you’ve been made abundantly aware that our neighbors to the north, Florida State University, will be on our turf for a football rivalry game as old as time. No matter the outcome of Saturday’s game, we can all rest assured that we, our proud community of ‘Canes, have won the best prize of them all; Unlike the thousands of safety-school-Seminols of Talla-nasty, we got into the U. If I had the pleasure of writing one of the many rejection letters addressed to a now FSU student, it would go a little something like this:

If Miami football has taught me two things, it’s don’t get your hopes up, no matter who the head coach is, and block the wide receiver’s Instagram, no matter how smooth the opening line (trust me he’ll just fumble the bag). So, I’ve decided to put together my own team. Call your bookies babes, cause we’re bringing home some dubs. Meet V’s starting 11:

Even amidst the sticky atrocity that is UM’s hook-up scene, there’s a good pipe for everyone. So, I have come to share my saged wisdom and help you navigate who you horndogs should swipe right on. Thank me later.