With COVID-19 postponing my usual string of dick appointments, my remaining options to get off include me, myself and I. I have never been successful in my attempts at self-service and the concept of masturbation just makes me uncomfortable. Any advice?

“Do you ever dream of people you used to be friends with?” she asked me between bites of asian cuisine.

Practicing social distancing does not mean all sexual endeavors must come to a halt. Depending solely on another person to be physically with you in order to feel pleasure is unhealthy. It’s time to get creative. Here are three ways to keep busy during quarantine.

While classes can survive online, my sex life cannot. The administration’s decision to shut down campus has drastically affected my hopes for any kind of action for the remainder of the semester.

I've never been one for labels, but knowing your position can make or break your sex life. As the ancient proverb reads, two bottoms don't make a top.

The sprinklers were on full blast making the situation even wetter, just like that kiss scene in “High School Musical 2,” except disgusting.

“It’s not the end of the world. People make the mistake of validating their self love off of other people. I’m okay with not having my first kiss because I’m happy.”

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

l feel that I am at an incredible disadvantage as a gay man. Restricted to Tinder or Grindr, it feels as if it is impossible to meet someone like me during my everyday routine without feeling predatory in our assumed heteronormative reality. Do I just pray for love to find me amongst the unrequested dick pics online?

The point of this article is to start a real conversation about the hookup culture on campus, alongside a laugh. Also, calm down. I already know your father is a lawyer. This is an anonymous hook up column, so suck on my dick and my balls.