The Libertarian political group on campus, Canes4GaryJohnson, has had a rough election cycle. From their loss in the UM geography tournament, to their embarrassing performance in the “Name a Foreign Person” question at the Rat’s Trivia Night, the group has seen better days. Today was definitely not one of those better days. According to their…
Two Cents: Last words before the election
In Two Cents, our columnists offer brief takes on current issues. With the presidential election just days away, they give their final thoughts before most readers head to the polls. In this dumpster fire of an election, the choice is between bad and worse. For the right, a Clinton presidency signifies four years of gridlock,…
Satire: HP disguises student DJ as Marshmello according to email leak
In early October, Hurricane Productions (HP) announced that popular producer and D.J. Marshmello would headline the annual Homecoming Concert. The concert, scheduled for Thursday, has been met with enthusiastic anticipation from the University of Miami community. As the hub for Electronic Dance Music in the U.S., it is fitting to host a rising star in…
Long-distance relationship kept alive by UM-issued HBOGo account
Many freshman students enter college entangled in long-distance relationships from back home. Long-distance relationships are often doomed by the drastic change in communication dynamic, the separation of everyday lives and the simple lack of face-to-face contact. While many of these relationships end within months of the start of the semester, certain couples are finding strength…
Satire: Popularity of debate drinking games causes concern for student health
In anticipation for the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, UHealth has issued the following statement to students: “We are aware of the popular drinking games associated with the presidential debates. It is our responsibility as both health professionals and concerned members of the University of Miami community to warn students…
Trump’s ‘locker-room talk’ dismisses dangerous behavior, highlights privilege
Millions of people have seen the leaked 2005 video of presidential candidate Donald Trump bragging to TV host Billy Bush about his attempted and past exploits, or what many are calling assaults, of women. The comments were vulgar, disgusting and embarrassing to watch. Trump has since apologized (but only for being caught) and dismissed the…
Fraternity celebrates diversity: ‘We have white guys from all over the country’
The University of Miami is well known for being one of the most diverse private research universities in the United States. Its unique geographic location acts as a gateway to the southern hemisphere, attracting a variety of latino students. UM officially has a demographic breakdown of 49 percent white, 27 percent Hispanic or Latino, 8…
Poll confirms 10 out of 10 girls are impressed with your gym gains
The University of Miami sociology department recently conducted a poll in partnership with the Herbert Swoleness Center to test how female gym-goers feel about the lifting abilities of their male counterparts. The results were conclusive, if not obvious: 100 percent of girls are legitimately impressed at how strong you are. “I don’t know why this…
Freshman admitted from Kansas, stirring confusion on campus
In an uncharacteristic mistake, the University of Miami Office of Undergraduate Admission has accidentally admitted a student from Topeka, Kansas into the class of 2020. This marks the first time a student outside of Florida or New Jersey has been accepted. The admissions gaffe has caused confusion throughout the student body. “I just didn’t know…
Students outraged that professor prioritizes academics over social media
History professor Neal Smith has been criticized recently for his apparent lack of concern for the social-media time commitments of students. Smith has been accused of being intentionally ignorant of the needs of students and for assigning homework that is “pointless and boring.” “Does he not realize that I need to check Facebook every two…
Satire: Recent graduates shocked to learn real world isn’t all about U
While University of Miami graduates tend to fare well in the workforce, many Hurricane alumni are facing shocking realities in the world outside of Coral Gables. “People just don’t get it,” said 2015 graduate Todd Matthews about his current job as a sales manager in Portland, Oregon. “No one here understands that it’s all about…