Left. Left. Left. Right. Left. I love mindless Tinder swiping almost as much as sorority girls love to feign interest in football for tailgates. Believe me, I have eat-pray-loved my way through the many eligible bachelors and bachelorettes on UM’s Tinder market; From “strictly missionary” finance bros to “exclusively recycled hemp bondage” environmental freaks.
Even amidst the sticky atrocity that is UM’s hook-up scene, there’s a good pipe for everyone. So, I have come to share my sagedwisdom and help you navigate who you horndogs should swipe right on. Thank me later.
Pledge masters:
The generic Chad, Brad and Kyle frat boys? Hard left swipe. Or should I say “flaccid left swipe?” I have hooked up with one too many frat-stars who morph into pledges the second we’re tangled up in his unwashed sheets. Pass.
There is one exception to this frat boy rule: pledge masters. A testosterone fueled boy who gets hard ordering around and tormenting his subordinates? Sign me up. To all you BDSM baddies, swipe right.
Thespian understudies:
You haven’t lived if you’ve yet to be absolutely demolished by someone in literal kinky boots. Extra points if you match with an understudy. Understudies have so much pent-up resentment, a dying need for validation, that they’re guaranteed to put on one hell of a one-person show just for you. They’ll even go as far to harmonize with your moans — my last ring-theater-king deserves a Grammy.
Swipe stage right and I promise you’ll finish with a standing ovation.
Word from the wise: If they insist on a showtunes sex playlist (because they will) be sure it’s not Le Misérable.
Your ex’s roommate:
Do it for the memes.
The diving team:
Divers willingly and frequently jump head-first off a 10-meter high board. If that doesn’t scream “you and I can make a really freaky splash,” I don’t know what does. So, excuse me as I dive head-first in to that right swipe.
ROTC:
There’s nothing like a clean-cut, kink-obsessed ROTC cadet. Sure, you’re going to have to endure a pillow-talk lecture or two about U.S. military funding or one too many Full Metal Jacket quotes, but they’ll pull your hair better than they pull bootstraps. Swipe right? Sir, yes sir.
Happy and horny swiping!