Sex with other people, together

Dear V,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. We don’t want to open our relationship, and we don’t want to engage in threesomes. However, we want to have sex with another couple. Do you think this is feasible without destroying our relationship?



You know the saying, “two is company, three is a crowd, and four is a party.”

There should be no shame if you find yourself wondering what it would be like to see him with another partner, or yourself with another partner. This doesn’t make you a c*ck, it just makes you secure enough in your relationship that you can experiment together.

Choosing to open up your relationship strictly in the bedroom is a solid choice. You will still have to set some boundaries and define exactly what this aspect of your relationship entails. I recommend you read “Open Sesame,” where I go more into depth about the importance of morality, safety and consent from all parties when dabbling in the polyamorous side of our identities.

The question is: where do you find a couple that is just as secure to lust and thrust with?

Maybe you already have a couple in mind. However, familiarity can be a little tricky. If you are opening your relationship strictly sexually, friends can create a kind of intimacy that you didn’t necessarily sign up for. Spending time with the couple outside of the bedroom might start to seem like you are actually dating them. While the intimacy could make the sex more enjoyable, check in with your partner if that is a line you would both be willing to cross.

While the internet is a scary place, it is still an option. Feeld is a dating app for meeting couples. Create a joint account with your partner and set your preferences, whether it’s heteroflexible, bisexual, polysexual, etc. Then you can engage in group chats with other couples to see if it’s the right fit. It’s always important to meet a few times in person before engaging in a sexual act with another couple you met online. You want to make sure you both have the same expectations so the experience is safe, enjoyable and sex positive.

Keep in mind that while you are opening your bedroom up to others, you have to keep an open mind. This won’t be easy, but it can be an incredible growing experience. Boundaries will be challenged. Communication skills will be tested. Trust will be confronted.

Even if it doesn’t last long, experimenting is always worth it.