Most of us are familiar with the concept of six degrees of separation— the idea is that anyone on the planet can be connected to anyone else in just six steps. However, in a mere two steps, anyone on campus can be connected to someone who has banged a member of the football team.
It isn’t a secret that our school’s pride and joy loves nothing more than to tackle tight ends on and off the field. I recruited some of the hottest scores to confess their experiences. No names will be used in this article in order to protect identities and egos, even though most of the athletes couldn’t read a sentence of this if they tried.
Once Snapchat usernames are exchanged, it’s only a matter of time until they hit you with that low angle selfie and a “wyd?” One sophomore divulges about an unexpected reply after snapping a photo of her legs while walking to class in a quick reply to a wide receiver. “After I sent him the photo, he kept asking to see my legs and would not stop. He would say he wanted to eat them.” This same athlete has compiled quite the highlight reel of quirks. “That guy thinks he’s the most philosophical thing to walk the planet just because he asked to see my iPhone’s screen time information,” another female Cane said with exasperation.
These player’s bachelor pads are complete with a mattress on the ground, TV and f**kboy lights.
“They don’t buy any real furniture,” an undergraduate shared. “They will have a cuban link before they own a couch. My friend hooked up with a player who used one of those 3-in-1 soaps. Think about that.”
Another wide receiver is rumored to have insisted on watching a children’s Nickelodeon show in order to set the mood. “He made me watch Paw Patrol with him before we would have sex,” another student disclosed.
After a night out with one not-so-attractive player, an underclassmen spilled on her non-sexual encounter. “I told this guy that I did not want to have sex with him. While he was leaving, he threw his shirt at me and told me that I could tell my friends that we had sex. Like I would want to do that,” she laughed.
Familiar with the roster, she continued, “One guy used to growl like a dog everytime we would do something sexual, so I was scared to actually go through with it. I used to talk to a senior player who somehow gets away with cheating on his long distance girlfriend using his two brain cells and small penis.”
Many students from our small campus know that rumors spread just as fast as they did in high school. The football team is our very own “mean girls” when it comes to bragging about who they penetrated deep in the backfield. My advice is to ignore these boys and just let them play with their balls.