Between getting Pinkberry after spin class and idolizing Lauren Conrad, basic b*tches simply don’t have the time to curate the best of Halloween costumes. On this hallows eve, I challenge my readers to stop being so predictable, or at least pretend that they aren’t until their friends find out that they’re the type to scream “WOO” while getting white girl wasted.
Risky Business Tom Cruise
Wow, you stole your frat boyfriend’s least favorite button down, grabbed some thigh highs, and smacked some sunglasses on your face. I hope sliding across hardwood floors doesn’t rub off that “Live, Laugh, Love” tattoo on your foot.
Did you fall from heaven? That beautiful place where you always Instagram your brunch with a #BLESSED. And no, your best friend with the plastic devil horns on her head isn’t the baddest bitch you know. She still thinks that Miley Cyrus invented twerking.
I will legally perform a citizen’s arrest on all the women who spent their money on an overpriced, poorly made police uniform. That type of cash could have went to more Tory Burch sandals and skinny jeans.
I’m no STEM major, but this is a straight up 14 on the pH scale. All stray cats found on campus on Halloween will not only receive rabies shots, but also get spayed. Overpopulation puts our ecosystem at risk.
Sexy School Girl
This costume is just as easy as the girls who wear it and will make boys as hard as final’s week. By the way, that Marilyn Monroe poster in your bedroom doesn’t make you classy. You are just boring.
By far the deadliest of costume sins, you might as well think that reading “Milk and Honey” makes you deep. That blonde wig tipped with red and blue won’t trick anyone into thinking your “Daddy’s Little Monster.” The only accuracy is that your boyfriend’s a joke and your father is disappointed in you. Stay home. Plus, I heard there is a new episode of “The Bachelor” that I know you wouldn’t want to miss.