Dear V,
I had the furthest thing from a hot girl summer. Most of my time was spent working an exhausting nine to five, and the only action I got was from an electronic sex toy before I would pass out for the night. What should I do to make sure that this doesn’t become a habit? How do I transform fall into the hot girl semester I deserve?
Dear Reader,
Well, it was just a matter of time before robots replaced real human jobs. I definitely did not have the hottest girl summer either. A vibrating birthday gift from two of my closest friends came in clutch, even though it was intended as a joke. I already had to go to the dermatologist once this summer to ensure that a small, painful bump wasn’t herpes. I don’t think my doctor believed that the increased friction was due to a crisp pair of jean shorts. But anyway, the best way to revitalize your sex life is to ditch the vibrator. Yes, to abandon the buzzing addiction that I blame for your recent dry spell. If you continue to depend on the vibrator then your drive to find a real, breathing, consenting person will decrease.
There is this daunting vision of me sitting alone in my dorm room as a few tears stream down my face, and I listen to the undeniable, constant banging of a headboard from my neighbors as I crank one out. Don’t let that be you. Without your joystick, I am hoping that your horniness will encourage confidence in approaching others. Get in touch with your sensitive side, the one with the sweaty urge to bump and grind at the club with someone hot and new. If all else fails, at least your arms are going to get to the point where it looks like you’re in a serious relationship with the Wellness Center.
Best,
V