V's Take

Having some Homecumming fun with alumni

Happy Homecoming, Hurricanes! This past weekend campus was flooded with older, handsome, probably rich alumni of the University of Miami. To rephrase – campus was filled with potential sugar daddies.

You’ll remember this time last year, I told you about my quest for a DILF or GILTAFWAHOSCNS (Grandpas I’d Like to Take Advantage of Financially but Who Are Hopefully Only Seeking Companionship and Nothing Sexual), and the time has come again.

The key message of last year’s piece: Nothing gives an Iron Arrow an iron arrow like reminiscing on their college days.

This year, I stuck to age-appropriate former lovers who were returning to campus for the first time since getting high paying jobs with health insurance at financial firms.

I found several, but they didn’t seem into me.

As Katy Perry once said, “do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?” Unironically that song is called “Firework,” and after the fireworks is where the real… uh… rocket exploded (on my face and hair).

The theme of this year’s homecoming had something to do with maps, though I was unclear about exactly what. I got out my magnifying glass and other geographic tools and tried to track down a hook up.

I was told to make a pun about the Homecoming theme there, if you couldn’t tell. Go Canes.

As we were leaving, I found someone from my “long list of ex-lovers (who will tell you I’m insane),” to fill the blank space between my legs.

He had several drinks at the Rat and at that thing on the Lakeside Patio, where I think they should serve hard liquor every day. We were both DTF… so he told his friends he’d BRB and we made a quick trip to PRC… Pearson Residential College.

Too many details ruin the fun, but I can say that we certainly kept his mast up while he was going down (unlike that boat. I’m not a fan of maritime activities. I prefer to be a “land hoe”).

It was a successful Homecumming.

If any alumni are reading and want to relive their freshman year, V can make you scream “Oh yeah! (Hecht yeah!)” while getting down and dirty on a squeaky twin bed.

If you are an alumni of the University of Miami and want to support V financially in exchange for companionship and/or sexual favors, email dearv@themiamihurricane.com

November 5, 2018

Reporters

V'S Take


Around the Web
  • Error
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: fsocket timed out

A University of Miami College of Engineering researcher is trying to perfect a technique of using lu ...

Through an internship with M. Shanken Communications, rising senior Teddy Willson has contributed to ...

University of Miami alumna Vanessa Garcia recounts her personal journey writing for the highly accla ...

University of Miami religious studies professor Catherine Newell weighs in on some of the big questi ...

NASA wants to return humans to the moon by 2024. A University of Miami engineering graduate is part ...

Two Miami Hurricanes were among those players selected to the preseason watch list for the 25th annu ...

ESPN Events announced Thursday afternoon the bracket for the 2019 Charleston Classic, set to take pl ...

The Atlantic Coast Conference announced Tuesday its 2018-19 academic honor roll and 177 University o ...

The ACC Network is set to launch August 22. If your television provider hasn't yet decided to c ...

Claudia De Antonio, Renate Grimstad and Kristyna Frydlova were each selected as WGCA All-American Sc ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.