Ah, it’s fall. It’s time for most of the country to snuggle up with a nice cozy blanket, sip some apple cider (with plenty of pumpkin spice-flavored hard liquor) and viciously disfigure pumpkins for the sake of decoration. Or if you’re here in Miami – continue sweating.
Although it may not physically feel like fall, I’m in a fall state of mind. It’s time to settle down and try to find a significant other who will get me high-dollar value holiday presents. I actually just laughed out loud writing that because this is never going to happen.
Anyway, while autumn may be the start of cuffing season, I want to go a step further. I want to have a baby.
You heard me right – it’s baby fever season.
My ovaries are literally screaming for me to reproduce and raise a child, despite the fact that I am 21 years old and often forget to do my homework or that I put Easy Mac in the microwave when I’m drunk.
I can’t be responsible for myself, so why are my raging hormones and bountiful ovaries wanting me to be responsible for another, tiny human. As the prolific R. Kelly once said, “My mind is tellin’ me no, but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yes.”
It’s not even about the Bump and Grind, because I don’t care if I get laid. There’s something about the act of creating and raising a human being that needs me and cares for me that’s just so appealing to me in this moment.
My shrink will probably say it’s because of my abandonment issues or whatever but I don’t care! If I have to scoop something up from the floor of a men’s shower in a freshman residential college and do the deed myself with a turkey baster, I’m fine with it.
It takes what it takes, and it’s more action than I’m getting now.
The idea of raising a human seems great and terrifying, but I really want to do it, despite the fact I cannot take care of myself. Instead of doing my homework, I’m listing baby names and shopping online for cribs and onesies. The child will exclusively be dressed in items bought from Target, by the way.
Do you also have baby fever? Do you want to help V make the baby? Are you the Florida Department of Children and Families and are concerned about the content of this article? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, email firstname.lastname@example.org!