V’s Take: Keep it hot for Earth Day

In preparation for Earth Day, V has got you covered on how to make this crunchy holiday into the sexiest one of the year. Follow these recommendations and the only blue ball this week will be beautiful Mother Earth.

Only eat meat in the bedroom.

Who needs industrially raised, greenhouse gas-emitting pork? Bae’s pork is just as delicious and totally safe for the environment! Order some green condoms to feel totally eco while you’re chowing down on that good meat. Just remember, even though condoms are definitely not recyclable, sometimes it’s better to be safe than sustainable, and unplanned pregnancies lead to population growth, which is one of the biggest threats to the Earth’s dwindling resources. Use and toss the condom.

Ditch the Postmates and have actual dates.

Once I’ve settled into a relationship, it’s rare that I ever want to leave the couch. Staying in and snuggling on my boo while we binge “Breaking Bad” is all the activity I need. When it comes time for dinner, it’s hard to get the momentum to cook or go out to eat, so we get delivery way too often. It’s a serious waste, not only because we’re paying that delivery fee as a tax on our laziness but because the food comes in tons of excess plastic and styrofoam packaging that we just trash after gorging ourselves.

Getting your sexy housewife or househusband on and cooking a nice meal for your S/O is a great way to save on that waste. If you’re anything like V and Kraft mac n’ cheese is as domestic as your meals get, carpool out to eat at the places you order from and sit down. (Remember to ask for “no straw, please.”)

Feel good about sex on the beach with some postcoital trash cleanup.

I can’t explicitly recommend sex on the beach because we all know it violates obscenity laws. Pero like, this is Miami, and I know you’re all doing it anyway. To clear your conscience after your wild toss in the sand, combine a long walk on the beach with picking up pieces of trash that have washed up. Who’s to say litterers aren’t as bad as public sex fiends? They’re causing a giant pile of trash in the Pacific Ocean twice the size of Texas, so you tell me who really did the nasty.