V’s Take: Roommate reconnaissance

For UM students new and old, but mostly new (@incoming frosh), it’s time to pick out a roommate from the crop of kids in the class Facebook group. And you’ve got to start by posting a little bit about yourself.

I’m not kidding, this is literally every post in the UM Class of 2022 Facebook group. Literally every single post. There is not a post that does not resemble this.

Unfortunately, I can’t include my poorly-edited swimsuit pics in this article, so you’ll just have to imagine that I’m the perfect mix of pretty, fun and sporty:

“Hey guys! I’m V, and I’m originally from some shitty New Jersey suburb (about 45 minutes from NYC!!). I’m not 100% on UMiami, but it’s one of my tops!! I am going to be majoring in biology on the pre-med track and will probably minor in Español because Mee-ah-mee haha!

“In high school I did a bunch of irrelevant stuff I’m not going to list that because I know you’re skimming over this part. Just so you know, what I did in high school is all I am going to talk about for the next year.

“I can’t wait to do typical college things like tailgates, beach and parties but am also down for a chill night in with the girlies. I’ll definitely be rushing!!

“If you want to commit to spending a year with me based on a handful of extremely edited photos and a poorly-written, generic bio, then message me on Insta or Snapchat.”

First, let me say that a lot of your nights will be chill nights in, crying in bed with a cheap bottle of CVS rosé. That’s a typical first-year college thing. You’ll be fine once you start regularly visiting the counseling center your sophomore year and deal with all that childhood trauma.

More importantly though, this bio says nothing about you. If you’re trying to find somebody who will be sleeping 8 inches away from you and who will likely see you naked, you may want to provide just a little more info.

This is how you go from Best Friends Forever to Bitches Fighting Forever, and that is not a healthy living situation.

One last word of advice – from experience, anyone who says, “I can’t wait to explore Miami!” in their post can’t wait to explore their sexuality when they finally escape from their parents’ oppressive grasp. Trust me.