Culture, Music

Christ upset resurrection didn’t fall on Ultra weekend

Nazareth native Jesus Christ, whose annual Easter celebration is scheduled for this Sunday, was almost certain the day would fall on Ultra Music Festival Weekend. Unfortunately for the 2018-year-old, His calculations were a week off.

“Everyone was talking about seeing J.E.S.u.S … I was sure they were talking about me,” said Christ in reference to the same-named DJ set featuring Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream and Seth Troxler.

When the renowned electronic music festival made its 2018 return, body-suited fans flooded Bayfront Park, ready to rave their way through 72 hours of bloops and bleeps. Noticeably not in attendance: Jesus Christ.

“I ain’t seen ‘im,” said Robert McDouglas, a festival employee and Vietnam War veteran, “but I sure as Hell seen some people who need ‘im.”

Among the space buns and glitter-swathed bosoms, there was some suggestion of Christ’s presence. Twenty-two-year-old Kailee Lynn attended Ultra wearing a Camelback filled with red wine.

When asked if the gesture was symbolic, Lynn responded, “This is Franzia.”

Though Christ wanted to see Marshmello for the celebration of His miraculous rising, He will settle for eating quiche with your abuelita and walking around Dolphin Mall.

Of the upcoming Resurrection date, Christ said, “At least it falls on April Fool’s Day.”

UPDATE: as of 8:03AM EST, Pope Francis still has not identified the individual who replaced his mitre with a Benihana chef’s hat. Christ has declined to comment.

March 30, 2018

Reporters

Haley Walker


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