Edge, Music

Christ upset resurrection didn’t fall on Ultra weekend

Nazareth native Jesus Christ, whose annual Easter celebration is scheduled for this Sunday, was almost certain the day would fall on Ultra Music Festival Weekend. Unfortunately for the 2018-year-old, His calculations were a week off.

“Everyone was talking about seeing J.E.S.u.S … I was sure they were talking about me,” said Christ in reference to the same-named DJ set featuring Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream and Seth Troxler.

When the renowned electronic music festival made its 2018 return, body-suited fans flooded Bayfront Park, ready to rave their way through 72 hours of bloops and bleeps. Noticeably not in attendance: Jesus Christ.

“I ain’t seen ‘im,” said Robert McDouglas, a festival employee and Vietnam War veteran, “but I sure as Hell seen some people who need ‘im.”

Among the space buns and glitter-swathed bosoms, there was some suggestion of Christ’s presence. Twenty-two-year-old Kailee Lynn attended Ultra wearing a Camelback filled with red wine.

When asked if the gesture was symbolic, Lynn responded, “This is Franzia.”

Though Christ wanted to see Marshmello for the celebration of His miraculous rising, He will settle for eating quiche with your abuelita and walking around Dolphin Mall.

Of the upcoming Resurrection date, Christ said, “At least it falls on April Fool’s Day.”

UPDATE: as of 8:03AM EST, Pope Francis still has not identified the individual who replaced his mitre with a Benihana chef’s hat. Christ has declined to comment.

March 30, 2018

Reporters

Haley Walker


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Eleven football seasons ago, after the Miami Hurricanes and FIU Panthers met at the Orange Bowl for ...

University of Miami fans no doubt are loving the Hurricanes’ two newest tight ends. What they’re pro ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Thursday: ▪ Though UM wasn’t called for a single penalty against ...

Two of the best athletes and a freshman quarterback on the No. 21 University of Miami football team ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Wednesday: ▪ The Miami Hurricanes are honoring their 1983 nation ...

Get Out The Vote, a nonpartisan initiative headed by the Division of Student Affairs and the Butler ...

University of Miami Libraries commemorates Banned Books Week with a special event and display. ...

A year after UPup’s founding father met his match, the service club is realizing its goal of becomin ...

UM students, faculty and staff commemorated the five-year anniversary of the Donna E. Shalala Studen ...

Miami’s Turnover Chain inspires copycats, but the U’s turnover prop has a ‘cool factor.’ ...

The Miami Hurricanes volleyball program won its third straight match in 3-0 fashion on Friday night ...

Estela Perez-Somarriba of the Miami women's tennis team registered two straight-set wins Friday ...

It's been over a decade since they last met, but Miami and FIU are set to renew their crosstown ...

The University of Miami cross country team gears up to compete in its third meet of the season this ...

University of Miami Director of Athletics Blake James announced Friday a five-year contract extensio ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.