Edge, Music

Christ upset resurrection didn’t fall on Ultra weekend

Nazareth native Jesus Christ, whose annual Easter celebration is scheduled for this Sunday, was almost certain the day would fall on Ultra Music Festival Weekend. Unfortunately for the 2018-year-old, His calculations were a week off.

“Everyone was talking about seeing J.E.S.u.S … I was sure they were talking about me,” said Christ in reference to the same-named DJ set featuring Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream and Seth Troxler.

When the renowned electronic music festival made its 2018 return, body-suited fans flooded Bayfront Park, ready to rave their way through 72 hours of bloops and bleeps. Noticeably not in attendance: Jesus Christ.

“I ain’t seen ‘im,” said Robert McDouglas, a festival employee and Vietnam War veteran, “but I sure as Hell seen some people who need ‘im.”

Among the space buns and glitter-swathed bosoms, there was some suggestion of Christ’s presence. Twenty-two-year-old Kailee Lynn attended Ultra wearing a Camelback filled with red wine.

When asked if the gesture was symbolic, Lynn responded, “This is Franzia.”

Though Christ wanted to see Marshmello for the celebration of His miraculous rising, He will settle for eating quiche with your abuelita and walking around Dolphin Mall.

Of the upcoming Resurrection date, Christ said, “At least it falls on April Fool’s Day.”

UPDATE: as of 8:03AM EST, Pope Francis still has not identified the individual who replaced his mitre with a Benihana chef’s hat. Christ has declined to comment.

March 30, 2018

Reporters

Haley Walker


Around the Web
  • Error
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: fsocket timed out

Hosmay Lopez, a meteorologist at the University of Miami Cooperative Institute for Marine and Atmosp ...

UM alumna Shirley Hoffman Kilkelly was one of the few women engineers who worked on the Apollo 11 mo ...

College of Engineering alumnus Frank DeMattia was just 21 years old when he went to work at NASA on ...

Registered dietitian Stephanie Sanchez shares realistic, healthy ways to get you on track and headed ...

The overnight pre-orientation program – now in its 30th year – welcomes newly admitted first-year co ...

Sophomore tight end Brevin Jordan was among the 60 players named to the 2019 John Mackey Award Prese ...

Estela Perez-Somarriba of the Miami women's tennis team added yet another elite accolade to her ...

Redshirt senior wide receiver K.J. Osborn was among six ACC players named to The Biletnikoff Award W ...

The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) has awarded the University of Miami a 2019 NCAA ...

Dane Dunlap, William Grattan-Smith and Franco Aubone were each selected as All-Academic Scholar Athl ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.