Edge, Music

Christ upset resurrection didn’t fall on Ultra weekend

Nazareth native Jesus Christ, whose annual Easter celebration is scheduled for this Sunday, was almost certain the day would fall on Ultra Music Festival Weekend. Unfortunately for the 2018-year-old, His calculations were a week off.

“Everyone was talking about seeing J.E.S.u.S … I was sure they were talking about me,” said Christ in reference to the same-named DJ set featuring Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream and Seth Troxler.

When the renowned electronic music festival made its 2018 return, body-suited fans flooded Bayfront Park, ready to rave their way through 72 hours of bloops and bleeps. Noticeably not in attendance: Jesus Christ.

“I ain’t seen ‘im,” said Robert McDouglas, a festival employee and Vietnam War veteran, “but I sure as Hell seen some people who need ‘im.”

Among the space buns and glitter-swathed bosoms, there was some suggestion of Christ’s presence. Twenty-two-year-old Kailee Lynn attended Ultra wearing a Camelback filled with red wine.

When asked if the gesture was symbolic, Lynn responded, “This is Franzia.”

Though Christ wanted to see Marshmello for the celebration of His miraculous rising, He will settle for eating quiche with your abuelita and walking around Dolphin Mall.

Of the upcoming Resurrection date, Christ said, “At least it falls on April Fool’s Day.”

UPDATE: as of 8:03AM EST, Pope Francis still has not identified the individual who replaced his mitre with a Benihana chef’s hat. Christ has declined to comment.

March 30, 2018

Reporters

Haley Walker


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

So what do UM Board of Trustee members think of what’s going on with the football program? Conversat ...

The University of Miami has dismissed wide receiver Jeff Thomas — widely recognized as the most gift ...

University of Miami sophomore receiver Jeff Thomas, widely considered the team’s most gifted player ...

Khris Bogle isn’t shy about his enthusiasm for the Alabama Crimson Tide after a recent visit to Tusc ...

Finally, the Eye on the U podcast comes to your ears after a Miami Hurricanes win. Miami went on the ...

Throughout campus, students expressed gratitude that they can be at UM and visit family during the T ...

Vector-borne specialist John Beier tells us what we should know about the illness. ...

Erin Kobetz, director of Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center’s Firefighter Cancer Initiative, disc ...

Kristiana Yao, who graduated summa cum laude in May, said she was “still in shock” after finding out ...

UM Libraries is presenting an extraordinary exhibit that immerses the audience in an emotional journ ...

Jaquan Johnson, Michael Jackson and Sheldrick Redwine have forged an unbreakable bond at Miami and a ...

Canes and Explorers kick off tournament Thursday at 2:30 p.m. ET/11:30 a.m. PT. ...

The No. 24/22 Miami women's basketball team is set to host its annual Miami Thanksgiving Classi ...

The Miami women's basketball team jumped two spots to No. 22 nationally in the first in-season ...

"In The Pool" is a series highlighting the University of Miami swimming & diving stude ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.