V's Take

Sex: There’s an app for that

It’s almost spring! The birds and the bees are buzzing, the flowers are blooming and a new cycle of life has begun – making all of us realize how dead we truly are on the inside. The best way to fill the void in your heart (and to fill other body cavities) is to find a bae on a dating app. Here’s my definitive ranking, from worst to best:

Plenty of Fish

First off, I’m allergic to shellfish so I don’t think I can be exposed to all the fish in the sea without a severe risk of anaphylactic shock.

Anyway, this app (and website, apparently) is popular with the older crowd looking for love, and I think that’s where it should stay. Even though it combines a Tinder-like swiping feature with a personality-based matching system, I don’t think you would actually want to meet anyone who hates themselves enough to download an app with this name.

Coffee Meets Bagel

I’m gluten sensitive, so I don’t think the bagel aspect of this app would work for me, either.

This app is basically like Tinder except you are given a currency called beans, and it costs beans to chat and match with people. Again, it’s aimed more toward adults, but we youths are apparently getting more desperate.

Also, beans sound suspiciously close to nuts, as in, “Hello attractive girl, I have busted 20 nuts to talk to you right now. Please notice me.” Yikes.

Bumble

I’m sure you’ve already guessed it – yep, I’m allergic to bees.

This is like the Sadie Hawkins Dance of dating apps because the females have to message the males first (hi, heteronormativity, I didn’t see ya there). I also assume that much like this app, Sadie Hawkins Dances have a horrid yellow color scheme.

So go ahead, Sarah, message Brad, because we know that he is all you are going to talk about for the next several months. But he’s going to break your heart, boo. Men like this app for a reason: they can swipe n’ snooze until you make the move.

Grindr/Her

As CupcakKe once said, “F*** out my way when you see me, I’m rollin’ with the LGBT.” That’s how I feel about the gay hookup apps Grindr and Her.

I find the whole concept really interesting. If you’re attractive, you basically get on-demand sex. If you’re unattractive, you call yourself “generou$$” and offer attractive guys and ladies money for on-demand sex. Capitalism is a good thing, my friends.

Just don’t catch feelings because even though “DL Frat BroJob” has also caught feelings, he’ll never show it.

Tinder

Swipe to the left. Swipe to the right. (Criss-cross!) Swipe into a deep depression because no one you like swipes right on you.

In my opinion, Tinder is where dating apps began, so it is where V will end this list.

Just remember to lie to your parents about where you met your bae. Pretty soon, after you have been lying to other people for so long, you’ll probably start to believe it yourself.

What did I leave off this list? Let me know by emailing dearv@themiamihurricane.com

March 5, 2018

Reporters

V'S Take


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Eleven football seasons ago, after the Miami Hurricanes and FIU Panthers met at the Orange Bowl for ...

University of Miami fans no doubt are loving the Hurricanes’ two newest tight ends. What they’re pro ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Thursday: ▪ Though UM wasn’t called for a single penalty against ...

Two of the best athletes and a freshman quarterback on the No. 21 University of Miami football team ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Wednesday: ▪ The Miami Hurricanes are honoring their 1983 nation ...

Get Out The Vote, a nonpartisan initiative headed by the Division of Student Affairs and the Butler ...

University of Miami Libraries commemorates Banned Books Week with a special event and display. ...

A year after UPup’s founding father met his match, the service club is realizing its goal of becomin ...

UM students, faculty and staff commemorated the five-year anniversary of the Donna E. Shalala Studen ...

Miami’s Turnover Chain inspires copycats, but the U’s turnover prop has a ‘cool factor.’ ...

The Miami Hurricanes volleyball program won its third straight match in 3-0 fashion on Friday night ...

Estela Perez-Somarriba of the Miami women's tennis team registered two straight-set wins Friday ...

It's been over a decade since they last met, but Miami and FIU are set to renew their crosstown ...

The University of Miami cross country team gears up to compete in its third meet of the season this ...

University of Miami Director of Athletics Blake James announced Friday a five-year contract extensio ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.