V's Take

Making the magic happen during Homecoming

Happy homecoming, Hurricanes! This past weekend campus was flooded with older, handsome, probably rich alumni of the University of Miami. To rephrase – campus was filled with potential sugar daddies.

I had to take advantage of this opportunity because something like this only comes around once a year – like Christmas or Whitney Houston’s birthday.

I unlocked my phone and went to the back of a folder called “Utilities,” where all my dating apps are tucked away. I have to give the *appearance* of not being a hoe.

I made some changes to my app settings. I used this little fingertip to drag the “max age” to 50. Actually … Max age: 70. Radius: three miles.

Alumni of all ages came across my screen – recent graduates, DILFs and even a GILTAFWAHOSCNS (Grandpas I’d Like to Take Advantage of Financially but Who Are Hopefully Only Seeking Companionship and Nothing Sexual) or two.

I swiped right on everyone within that three mile radius. The matches were coming in like crazy. It was a great day to be a Miami Hurricane.

As Def Leppard once said, “Pour some sugar on me.” Some of these guys were super hot and could pour their sugar wherever they want (just not in my eyes or hair). Best of all, they were giving me what I crave most – attention. Nothing gives an Iron Arrow an iron arrow like reminiscing their college days.

With the messages coming in, it was time to go after what I crave second most – financial stability. I know you work for some fancy financial firm, Jared from the Class of 2001. Canes Care for Canes, right? Share the wealth.

So far, I haven’t bumped uglies with any former students, but at least these guys know I exist. It will be great to make connections and to tap into (or get tapped by) UM’s extensive network of alumni.

If any alumni are reading and want to relive their freshman year, V can make you scream “Oh yeah! (Hecht yeah!)” while getting down and dirty on a squeaky twin bed.

If you are an alumni of the University of Miami and want to support V financially in exchange for companionship and/or sexual favors, email dearv@themiamihurricane.com.

November 6, 2017

Reporters

V'S Take


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

It’s the play Miami Hurricanes fans will never forget — and Florida State fans are trying to forget. ...

Miami Hurricanes fans might recall their favorite college football players in past years dreaming of ...

The new quarterback is usually the ones fans gush over. For the University of Miami, last season it ...

Debate all you want, but University of Miami football coach Mark Richt made it clearer than ever Wed ...

Last year, when University of Miami tailback Mark Walton attended the Atlantic Coast Conference Foot ...

UM dining services team earns national recognition for special event catering. ...

From hammerheads to great whites, University of Miami researcher Neil Hammerschlag is a dedicated sp ...

An ACLU report authored by UM sociologists documents racial and ethnic disparities in Miami-Dade Cou ...

Following the summit between Trump and Putin, reaction from politicians, pundits and former intellig ...

A School of Communication associate professor played an important hand—an artistic one!—in World Cup ...

Miami senior Tyler Gauthier was named to the 2018 Fall Watch List for the Rimington Trophy presented ...

Miami junior wide receiver Ahmmon Richards was among those named to the watch list for the 2018 Bile ...

University of Miami junior running back Travis Homer was named a preseason candidate for the Doak Wa ...

Six former Canes competed on NBA Summer League teams, with three averaging at least 10 points per ga ...

Quick Hits gives University of Miami volleyball fans an opportunity to get to know the new student-a ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.