Happy homecoming, Hurricanes! This past weekend campus was flooded with older, handsome, probably rich alumni of the University of Miami. To rephrase – campus was filled with potential sugar daddies.
I had to take advantage of this opportunity because something like this only comes around once a year – like Christmas or Whitney Houston’s birthday.
I unlocked my phone and went to the back of a folder called “Utilities,” where all my dating apps are tucked away. I have to give the *appearance* of not being a hoe.
I made some changes to my app settings. I used this little fingertip to drag the “max age” to 50. Actually … Max age: 70. Radius: three miles.
Alumni of all ages came across my screen – recent graduates, DILFs and even a GILTAFWAHOSCNS (Grandpas I’d Like to Take Advantage of Financially but Who Are Hopefully Only Seeking Companionship and Nothing Sexual) or two.
I swiped right on everyone within that three mile radius. The matches were coming in like crazy. It was a great day to be a Miami Hurricane.
As Def Leppard once said, “Pour some sugar on me.” Some of these guys were super hot and could pour their sugar wherever they want (just not in my eyes or hair). Best of all, they were giving me what I crave most – attention. Nothing gives an Iron Arrow an iron arrow like reminiscing their college days.
With the messages coming in, it was time to go after what I crave second most – financial stability. I know you work for some fancy financial firm, Jared from the Class of 2001. Canes Care for Canes, right? Share the wealth.
So far, I haven’t bumped uglies with any former students, but at least these guys know I exist. It will be great to make connections and to tap into (or get tapped by) UM’s extensive network of alumni.
If any alumni are reading and want to relive their freshman year, V can make you scream “Oh yeah! (Hecht yeah!)” while getting down and dirty on a squeaky twin bed.
If you are an alumni of the University of Miami and want to support V financially in exchange for companionship and/or sexual favors, email email@example.com.