V’s Take: Five fiends you meet on Omegle

V has been feeling kind of nostalgic lately.

You may remember last week, when we discussed Kik – known more commonly as the place you likely sent and/or received your first D pic. Or V pic. Or T pic. You can probably insert any letter you want because sometimes Kik got pretty kinky.

This got V thinking about some of the best digital doodads of our past – Club Penguin, Ask.fm, Poptropica and AOL Instant Messenger a.k.a AIM (Rest In Peace).

But none of these compare to the long-lasting, true digital gem of our generation: Omegle, the anonymous online chat tool that lets you text or video chat with a random stranger from anywhere in the world.

You can chat based on a common interest or watch two other people chat. You can make up an entirely fake backstory (this is recommended) and learn about the unique personalities, cultures and private parts of the world.

Over the weekend, I was bored and yearning for the good ol’ days, so I decided to log on to Omegle. Ah, the terrible website layout and feeling of shameful curiosity it gave me. V spent a very long time on the site, and I came up with a definitive list of the five people who will ask for your “ASL” (age, sex, location) on Omegle:

14-Year-Old Girl with Friends

Very impressive, you disabled the Net Nanny on your parent’s desktop computer and were able to hack into the goldmine for some naughty sleepover fun. Good for you, teens. Enjoy spending the next four hours giggling uncontrollably whenever anybody does anything. We know you said you’re 18, Megan. We know you’re not.

Solo Stroker

We’ve all seen this shot, framed from belly button to knees. Probably the most scarring encounter on Omegle. One second you’re nonchalantly clicking through chats and the next, you’ve got junk mail. I get you like to be watched – sometimes I do, too – but turn your camera off while whacking off. In the words of Mike Wazowski, “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.” Sorry about your childhood.

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I don’t want to check out your private show, Stephanie. I know you’ll just try to steal my credit card information.

Thought This Was Skype

Usually, this is a confused foreigner who just stares into their grainy web camera. They’re not sure of who they are, where they are, why they are there or how they got there. They were just trying to Skype their grandma to wish her a happy birthday.

[Blank Screen]

They’re watching you. They don’t have their camera on, but they’re watching you.

Moral of the story, you never know who you’re talking to on these sites. Proceed to internet chat rooms at your own risk.