Opinion, Satire

SATIRE: All students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria feeling really uncomfortable right now

After nearly three weeks of hurricane cleanup efforts, reports say the University of Miami campus is operational again and abuzz with students eager to reunite with college friends except for students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria, who are feeling super uncomfortable right now.

From the moment sophomore Irma Fischer stepped foot on campus, it reportedly took only three seconds before shouts of “Irmas such a bitch!” between reuniting friends could be heard everywhere she went.

I also keep hearing Irma is so huuuuuge!’” said Fischer. I prefer large and in charge,personally.

At first, junior Maria Anderson thought she was being received with unusually open arms.

People were yelling, Thanks a LOT, Maria!’” said Anderson. So I thought I was being recognized for something. But then I realized it was more in a Thanks, OBAMA!kind of way.

Jose Gonzalez said he was thrilled to begin college at UM as a freshman, before having to evacuate two weeks into the semester.

Now Im back, and Ive heard at least 15 people say theyre so glad Jose stayed away from Miami!said Gonzalez, crouched on the lowest possible steps outside the Shalala Student Center behind a palm tree, the only spot safe from the glares of a passerby. Like, should I have come back?

Super-senior Lee Weber said he questions whether he is welcome back for his final semester, after what he calls a reunion gone wrong.

I saw a bunch of my friends and was going to surprise-hug them all from behind,” said Weber. “Until I heard them laugh and say, If Lee comes anywhere near here, Im gonna be so mad!’”

At press time, no further sources were available for comment, as all other campus Irmas, Joses, Lees and Marias were at the Miami-Dade County Courthouse inquiring about legal name changes.

S. Molly Dominick is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.

September 25, 2017

Reporters

S. Molly Dominick


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Wednesday: ▪ The Miami Hurricanes are honoring their 1983 nation ...

With Jaquan Johnson still sidelined with a hamstring strain he suffered on Saturday against Toledo, ...

The Miami Hurricanes are running low on tight ends. But their receivers — notably sophomore speedste ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Tuesday: ▪ The pretty even split of carries between Travis Homer ...

The University of Miami has lost another player to surgery, and the depth was already lacking at thi ...

New technology could help schools identify shooters and other intruders before they enter the door. ...

A University of Miami professor has created software to detect fraud in standardized tests. ...

UM President Julio Frenk outlined the strategies of the Roadmap to Our New Century, part of his Stat ...

Students attending Monday night's State of the U address by UM President Julio Frenk offer thei ...

At UM’s inaugural State of the U address, President Julio Frenk detailed the strategies of the Roadm ...

Through three games, Miami is No. 1 in the country in tackles for loss and the entire Hurricanes def ...

Jeff Thomas may be quiet off the field, but the sophomore has been consistently making lots of noise ...

The University of Miami soccer team is set to return to Cobb Stadium, where it will host No. 12 Duke ...

The Atlantic Coast Conference announced Tuesday the league slate for the upcoming 2018-19 season. ...

Miami remained ranked in both major polls Sunday, checking in at No. 21 in the Associated Press Top ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.