After nearly three weeks of hurricane cleanup efforts, reports say the University of Miami campus is operational again and abuzz with students eager to reunite with college friends — except for students named Irma, Jose, Lee and Maria, who are feeling super uncomfortable right now.
From the moment sophomore Irma Fischer stepped foot on campus, it reportedly took only three seconds before shouts of “Irma’s such a bitch!” between reuniting friends could be heard everywhere she went.
“I also keep hearing ‘Irma is so huuuuuge!’” said Fischer. “I prefer ‘large and in charge,’ personally.”
At first, junior Maria Anderson thought she was being received with unusually open arms.
“People were yelling, ‘Thanks a LOT, Maria!’” said Anderson. “So I thought I was being recognized for something. But then I realized it was more in a ‘Thanks, OBAMA!’ kind of way.”
Jose Gonzalez said he was thrilled to begin college at UM as a freshman, before having to evacuate two weeks into the semester.
“Now I’m back, and I’ve heard at least 15 people say they’re so glad Jose stayed away from Miami!” said Gonzalez, crouched on the lowest possible steps outside the Shalala Student Center behind a palm tree, the only spot safe from the glares of a passerby. “Like, should I have come back?”
Super-senior Lee Weber said he questions whether he is welcome back for his final semester, after what he calls “a reunion gone wrong.”
“I saw a bunch of my friends and was going to surprise-hug them all from behind,” said Weber. “Until I heard them laugh and say, ‘If Lee comes anywhere near here, I’m gonna be so mad!’”
At press time, no further sources were available for comment, as all other campus Irmas, Joses, Lees and Marias were at the Miami-Dade County Courthouse inquiring about legal name changes.
S. Molly Dominick is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.