When you’re flying home this break, you are going to have to make a crucial decision: the window seat or the aisle seat. And, obviously, the window seat is the answer.
Now, to some, this may sound trivial. You’ll say, “It’s only a few hours… I’m just going to sleep off my post-finals coma.” However, you just don’t understand. No matter your plane strategy (mine involves selling ear plugs to the aisle near a baby), this selection serves as the beginning of your winter break. Much like birth, you need a peaceful entrance in order to portend a happy life/recess.
Before we begin, I realize I didn’t list the middle seat as a choice. This is because it’s not an option. You never want to be squished in there, unless you have a passion for “elbow hockey.” And judging by the state you chose for school, I’m gonna go ahead and guess that’s not your sport.
The window seat is without a doubt the way to go. First off, you are not a gofer to the people who need to visit the potty. When you are in the aisle seat, somebody always has to get up and awkwardly inch past you. And, when you are flying from Florida, this means one thing: old people – who are either going to stand up and urinate approximately 40 times, or urinate in their adult diapers 40 times. If you had just picked the window seat, you could have slept through this whole dilemma.
Which brings me to my next point. With the window seat, you can just plop your head on the wall and nap that post-finals coma right off. You can even gaze out of a window, and see the millions of Americans below who voted for Donald Trump. Their heads may all look small, but that’s their actual brain size. In the aisle seat, there is no such wall to rest on … unless the Trump supporters climb up to make you one.
For my last point, I have to address the main concern people have: leg room. I get this, since I am six-foot-two (and can dunk, ladies). However, don’t let the pesky aisle seat once again fool you. That legroom is “sitting on a throne of lies.” If you swing your appendages into the aisle to stretch out, you’re gonna have to constantly move them back for both the food cart and the fleet of elderly bathroom goers, which I call a fleet because I can only assume they are coming in those little scooters you see in the supermarket …
So, this winter break, seal that spot next to the glass pane immediately. Actually, wait, don’t take that seat from me. I take it back … aisle seat is better!
Danny New is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism. The Maturity Column runs alternate Thursdays.