Welcome to the first edition of the Maturity Column: Fact Section.
With the election of Donald J. Trump to the Oval Office, we have now set a new president precedent that opinions are actually facts – and therefore the Opinion Section will now be referred to as the Fact Section.
Donald Trump, the man who has pinned President Obama as a foreign-born Muslim and Hillary Clinton as a prison-bound “nasty woman,” has become notorious for preaching his own thoughts and conceptions as legitimate truths – even though his opinions have more flip-flops than a freshman communal shower.
However, this is old news. Despite multiple fact checkers correcting his claims during the debates, the American people have voted him in – and I accept that. Which is why, for now on, I will be following our new leader, and shall rename this portion of the Hurricane, the Fact Section: where all opinions shall be accepted as absolute.
Usually, I can make whatever claim I want, since this is all just based on my thoughts – like when I debated if peeing in the shower was a deal breaker for relationships (note: I really did write that column, for some reason they let me). But now, this is hard-hitting, nitty-gritty journalism. So, let’s talk facts!
For example, did you know that Nickelback is statistically not a bad band? All the data my ears have collected portends that their songs don’t all “sound the same,” and it’s just that lead-singer Chad Kroeger’s voice only has one pitch – similar to the Muppet, Animal. I’m sorry if you disagree, but, again, these are all just facts.
Also, how about that sushi is an objectively vulgar collection of raw, slimy sea tongue, served with spicy, green Play-Doh? My own research shows that everyone urinates in the ocean, so, if you are eating uncooked fish, you are consuming toilet-tinis for dinner. Sorry to burst your bubble tea!
And, of course, we can’t forget that Five Guys and Shake Shack both have mathematically-proven over-priced beef. Their $7.00 burgers present a one-dollar-per-bite ratio, which, as per the Danny New Book of Beef, is below satisfactory standards for all Americans.
Now, this is usually the part where my editor, Annie, in all of her glory, will tell me that I can’t print this because I just exercised defamation and incorporated lies about a company to change people’s opinions. But hey, it’s just my opinion, which also just so happens to be fact.
So, thank you for reading, I know you enjoyed this – because I just said you did.
Danny New is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism. The Maturity Column runs alternate Thursdays.
Featured image courtesy Pixabay user stux.