Election 2016, Opinion, Satire

Satire: Popularity of debate drinking games causes concern for student health

In anticipation for the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, UHealth has issued the following statement to students:

“We are aware of the popular drinking games associated with the presidential debates. It is our responsibility as both health professionals and concerned members of the University of Miami community to warn students of the immense danger these games represent.

Please do not take a sip every time Donald Trump says, ‘Believe me,’ threatens to imprison Hillary Clinton, responds to a question about sexual assault with his plan to punch ISIS, blatantly interrupts Clinton, or assumes that every African-American citizen in the country lives in the ‘inner cities.’

Please do not take a sip every time Hillary Clinton enthusiastically tells us to go to hillaryclinton.com, drops the fact that Michelle Obama is her very good friend, or reminisces about her father’s work in the textile business.

Absolutely do not finish your drink every time a candidate clearly has no intention of answering the question, every time Clinton’s emails are mentioned, or every time you can hear Paul Ryan audibly crying.

Zika has literally been in South Florida for months and we are more worried about debate drinking games than any other health threat at the moment.”

This statement comes after multiple students reportedly sought emergency care for liver failure after the Oct. 9th debate. One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said that, “We had to take a drink every time our faith in America took a noticeable hit. I myself went through an entire handle.”

An official from PIER 21, the Dean of Students Office’s alcohol abuse prevention program, stated that presidential debate drinking games are the biggest threat to campus safety he’s ever seen.

“You can’t just take a shot after every time Hillary Clinton plugs her website. You will die.”

Although university officials have ardently warned against the dangers of politically themed drinking, they have stated that it is okay to pop a bottle of champagne every time America’s sweetheart Kenneth Bone is mentioned.

“We all need this right now.”

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science.

October 19, 2016

Reporters

Conner Barrett


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

Fredrick Eaford was quick to make it clear the Miami Hurricanes were his dream team to commit to. Af ...

Linebacker might be the most important position for the Miami Hurricanes to recruit in the Class of ...

Issiah Walker Jr. won’t be at Paradise Camp on Saturday. Instead of attending the Miami Hurricanes’ ...

June is a huge recruiting month for the Miami Hurricanes. It concludes with Paradise Camp on June 22 ...

The University of Miami showed women’s basketball coach Katie Meier how much it appreciates her on F ...

Evo Morales, first elected president of Bolivia in 2005, and could win an unprecedented fourth term ...

The University of Miami Black Alumni Society is hosting a number of Juneteenth events around the cou ...

The University of Miami Rosenstiel School’s Rescue a Reef program teams up with the NFL and others t ...

The Frost Chopin Festival and Academy at the University of Miami provides unparalleled experiences f ...

The Emmy Award-winning journalist, who grew up in Miami and started her career in Spanish language t ...

The Miami women's basketball team will face Indiana at the Watsco Center in the 2019 Big Ten/AC ...

The University of Miami volleyball program is set to host the Hurricane Invitational and nine ACC ho ...

Games will be contested July 3-14 in Naples, Italy. ...

University of Miami Director of Athletics Blake James announced Friday a contract extension for head ...

Adrian Del Castillo garnered his second Freshman All-America honor of the year, appearing on the Per ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.