Leave fighting words at home before FSU game

(Note: If you are offended by this column, then you don’t understand the fun of UM-FSU week.)

A few weeks ago, at the Miami-Florida Atlantic football game, I watched one of our students slowly trudge from Hard Rock Stadium with a bloody nose and a black eye.

My first thought was, “Oh wow, I guess he found the hard rock.” But my second one was, “Wait…are UM students really getting into fights with FAU fans?” The Florida Atlantic Owls: the school from Boca Raton who is named after the only thing in Boca up late enough for their afternoon games.

However, my point is, if students are starting dumb fights at these “cupcake games,” I am genuinely worried about this weekend against our biggest rival, Florida State, reigning from a city that is essentially rounding off the deep South.

Last year, I traveled to Tallahassee for our road showdown with the Seminoles, and I will describe the disparity between Florida’s capital and Miami by listing the sequence of highway signs:

“Miami Dolphins, Season 50”

“Universal Studios Hotel and Resort”

“Motel 8: Free Wi-Fi”

Clearly, they operate differently up there, and the city bolsters a more blue-collar, small-town feel. Therefore, when an entirely orange-and-green draped fan shuffles into their sports complex, Doak Campbell Stadium, they don’t make it easy on you. The ‘Noles-townees yell expletives, throw food, and truly want to rip your head off and place it on the mantelpiece in their trailer.

Of course, you can’t really blame them for how they act toward us. Miami has all of the money and glamour, and they are stuck in the middle of nowhere. So, I do understand why their fans hate us.

But let them do that in their seats, by their obnoxious band that can only play one obnoxious three-note song – because their students are only capable of learning that many notes.

This game should be the best Canes game we’ve all been to: It’s Mark Richt’s first matchup with the ‘Noles, we’re trying to end a six-year drought against them and the Hurricanes are the highest ranked team in Florida for the first time since I had braces. Game on.

But, you know what would ruin it? If I tried to make one wise-crack (which I have been known to do), and one of the real-life characters of “Doak Dynasty” clocked me in the face – which I need if I want to be on television one day. It wouldn’t be worth it, and I also can’t afford to keep testing for rabies.

Therefore, this Saturday, enjoy the game with our own students, and, instead of reacting forcefully to their insults, just tune it out with some classic, tailgate D.J. music. Oh wait.

Danny New is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism. The Maturity Column runs alternate Thursdays.