Dear V: Moans n’ groans bit too much in bed

Dear V,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, and we just started having sex. The first time we had sex, I noticed he makes weird sounds…Like, I’m talking very weird. He moans like a cat in heat and grunts like an old man trying to get out of a recliner.

Now, I’m not trying to sound too picky in between the sheets. I know people have different ways of expressing themselves, and I’m glad he’s having a good time. But it distracts me from my own ability to let go and enjoy myself. I’m too busy trying to pretend I didn’t notice that last dramatic grunt or whimper.

I don’t want to have to ask my guy to shut up in the sheets, but I don’t know how else to solve this problem. What should I do?


Silent Silvia

Dear Silent Silvia,

Wow – sounds like you’ve got a real performer on your hands. To some, that’s a treat, but to others, it’s a bit uncomfortable to hear your man get overly vocal in the sack. Now, let’s just be grateful you’re not facing the opposite problem – radio silence is a buzzkill.

Have you tried earplugs? I’m sure you can find a way to make ‘em sexy.

In all seriousness, though, you’re going to have to ask your guy to lower the volume. The more decibels, the less fun you’re having, and it takes two to tango. It’s not fair for him to be having all the fun while you’re lying there simply attending his one-man concert.

That said, there may be a sensitive way to broach the subject. Instead of jumping straight into “Hey, you’re way too loud in bed,” which will make him feel self-conscious next time you two hit the hay, maybe you can take advantage of this situation instead.

Try having sex in fun, risky places, and remind him that he’ll have to stay quiet so you two don’t get caught. You get the added bonus of a little bit of adventure, plus, he’ll simmer down a bit.

Sneak into the changing room next time you’re in the mall and give things a go.

If that doesn’t work, it may be time to firmly suggest he use his inside voice. Try to be nice while asking, but don’t shy away from the subject.

I mean, there’s plenty of creative ways to get your guy to hush up. Duct tape exists. Oh, and so do muzzles and ball gags.

Have fun, kids.