Opinion, Satire

Poll confirms 10 out of 10 girls are impressed with your gym gains

The University of Miami sociology department recently conducted a poll in partnership with the Herbert Swoleness Center to test how female gym-goers feel about the lifting abilities of their male counterparts. The results were conclusive, if not obvious: 100 percent of girls are legitimately impressed at how strong you are.

“I don’t know why this was even in question,” said sophomore Brian Stanley while sporting a UM Orientation 2015 T-shirt with the sleeves crudely cut off and his mandatory, widely used workout towel to clean sweat off machines. “It’s not like we didn’t know this already.”

The sociology department struggled to obtain funding for a research project with such obvious results. After months of attempting to convince administration, researchers finally received the necessary grant.

“We hypothesized that intelligence and scientific capacity were just as important to women as muscles are,” said cardio nerd Dr. Alan Jefferies. “Brains over gains, if you will.”

The results proved them wrong, resoundingly.

UM researchers polled hundreds of female students over the course of the last two semesters, and the results were overwhelming. The study concluded that every girl in the gym loves it if you’re really strong. In addition, the study found that a majority of female students actually go to the gym not for their personal health but to flirt with strangers.

“At first I was annoyed when some guy showed blatant disrespect in interrupting my workout to correct my lunge form, but then he told me that he puts up 225 so it was okay,” said junior Megan Miller. “I was happy to pull out my ear buds mid-Ibis Express Circuit to chat.”

Miller also added that outward displays of toxic masculinity are a requirement for any man who wants to connect with her on an emotional basis.

Certain students and outsiders have expressed concern over the vanity and focus on superficial appearance in our campus culture. But following the results of this study, it is conclusive that this criticism stems from jealous cardio freaks. For now, male students who wish to socialize with women should spend more time in the gym, surrounded by fellow weight-lifting men.

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science.

Cartoon by Izia Lindsay

Cartoon by Izia Lindsay

September 14, 2016

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Conner Barrett


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