Opinion, Satire

Freshman admitted from Kansas, stirring confusion on campus

In an uncharacteristic mistake, the University of Miami Office of Undergraduate Admission has accidentally admitted a student from Topeka, Kansas into the class of 2020. This marks the first time a student outside of Florida or New Jersey has been accepted. The admissions gaffe has caused confusion throughout the student body.

“I just didn’t know how to handle it,” freshman Alex King said. “I asked her where she was from, and she said, ‘Kansas!’”

According to King, the slew of awkward introductions during Orientation Week was only bearable because everyone could feign satisfaction from jokes about Chris Christie or the notorious “Florida man.”

Lilli Putt, the student from Kansas, says that her first week made her feel “really embarrassed.”

“I had literally never heard the word ‘Publix’ uttered in my life,” Putt said. “Every introduction I had was just so weird. I would ask their name and where they were from, and then they’d ask the same.”

After the initial introductions, these students have been silently staring down at their laps, straining to think of more forced questions to ask each other while they turned their phones on, swiped a couple times and then turned them off.

Determined, Lilli Putt has also tried to befriend a group of commuter students, but when confronted with a non-Florida native, they just yelled at the top of their lungs for 11 minutes straight chanting, “This is how we do it in the 305.”

For now, it seems, the school’s first admit from outside Florida or New Jersey in history will have to accept that she’s not in Kansas anymore.

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science. The situations used in this work are fictitious.

August 24, 2016

Reporters

Conner Barrett


Around the Web

Instead of in-person celebrations at Hard Rock Stadium, President Julio Frenk announced that the University of Miami will hold its four observances online because of updated COVID-19 data. ...

The newly chartered Peruvian Students Association seeks to expand its impact and influence beyond campus, supporting protests against education cutbacks in the South American country and connecting students across the United States to their Andean roots. ...

Leyna Stemle found that by attaching green LED lights to fishing nets in Ghana, the illumination was able to divert most of the reptiles from becoming entangled and hurt. ...

As the world observes the 32nd annual World AIDS Day, a University of Miami team is shining a bright light on a neighborhood initiative to curtail the epidemic. ...

With the acquisition of the new instrument and an accompanying nanoindenter, studies at the College of Engineering are entering a new and advanced era of materials characterization. ...

TMH Twitter
About Us

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.