Opinion, Satire

Freshman admitted from Kansas, stirring confusion on campus

In an uncharacteristic mistake, the University of Miami Office of Undergraduate Admission has accidentally admitted a student from Topeka, Kansas into the class of 2020. This marks the first time a student outside of Florida or New Jersey has been accepted. The admissions gaffe has caused confusion throughout the student body.

“I just didn’t know how to handle it,” freshman Alex King said. “I asked her where she was from, and she said, ‘Kansas!’”

According to King, the slew of awkward introductions during Orientation Week was only bearable because everyone could feign satisfaction from jokes about Chris Christie or the notorious “Florida man.”

Lilli Putt, the student from Kansas, says that her first week made her feel “really embarrassed.”

“I had literally never heard the word ‘Publix’ uttered in my life,” Putt said. “Every introduction I had was just so weird. I would ask their name and where they were from, and then they’d ask the same.”

After the initial introductions, these students have been silently staring down at their laps, straining to think of more forced questions to ask each other while they turned their phones on, swiped a couple times and then turned them off.

Determined, Lilli Putt has also tried to befriend a group of commuter students, but when confronted with a non-Florida native, they just yelled at the top of their lungs for 11 minutes straight chanting, “This is how we do it in the 305.”

For now, it seems, the school’s first admit from outside Florida or New Jersey in history will have to accept that she’s not in Kansas anymore.

Conner Barrett is a sophomore majoring in political science. The situations used in this work are fictitious.

August 24, 2016

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Conner Barrett


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