Dear V,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a while but don’t feel attracted to him. He’s perfect in basically every way. He takes me out on cute dates and fits me into his busy schedule. The problem is, I just don’t feel any chemistry with him. When we kiss, it’s like I’m making out with a friend. We’re a slobbery mess, like two dogs fighting for a tennis ball.
I don’t know what to do. If I keep seeing him, I probably won’t ever develop the physical attraction toward him, though I wish I could. But if I kick him to the curb, I’ll be dumping a guy who doesn’t deserve to be dumped. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Wishing for a Spark
Dear Wishing for a Spark,
Sometimes the chemical attraction that leads to drunken one-night stands and hook-ups just doesn’t show up when you’d wish it would.
Sure, your best friend might brag about how she and her FWB are magnetically drawn to each other and your other friends might blab on and on about how they can “sense” when bae’s in the room, but that doesn’t mean you’ll have that same attraction to your beau.
It’s unfair at times. He’s perfect in every sense of the word, so why don’t you feel that energy? Unfortunately, things like romantic (and sexual) attraction are out of our control.
Instead of waiting for Cupid to strike you with his bow, realize that you’ll probably never feel that spark. Don’t try to force it and just focus on letting your date off the hook without crushing him. It’s going to be hard for him to hear that you’re not feelin’ it.
Try to think of a way to show you care while sending him back to the “friend zone.”
There’s a wide array of options: carrier pigeon, airplane banner, smoke signal, message in a bottle…you could even send a text to the Jumbotron at a basketball game. “Srry, Jim…I’m not feelin’ it wit u. Xoxo, Samantha.”
Joking, of course. How you do it is up to you, but be considerate of his feelings. Perhaps take your guy out to coffee and explain that you’re not attracted to him the way you hoped you’d be.
Just don’t ghost the guy. No matter how long you dated, even if you didn’t hook up, it never feels good to be left in the dark. Answer any questions he has and let him know that you’d still like to be his friend.
If he takes it poorly and decides to split, that’s up to him. Odds are though, if he does care about you, he’ll still see the value of spending time with you, even if it’s platonically instead of romantically.
-V