Opinion, Satire

CaneFest freebies cause chaos

The fresh-faced class of 2019 was rudely awoken by several trampling incidents that occurred at the annual Canefest on Saturday. The event, attended by over 2,000 freshmen and upperclassmen, was overrun by “crazy kids who just really wanted free stuff,” said one distraught source who had been knocked to the ground for the last Whole Foods goodie bag.

By the time the University of Miami riot police got on the scene, there were over 100 injured students and even more freshmen sulking about missing out on free Shake Shack custard.

“It appears that the sheer volume of students desperate for free stuff overwhelmed the limited space in the BUC,” said one officer who managed to make it to the main floor after waiting in line and having flyers shoved in his face for 45 minutes. “Students have been sent to the ER with bruises and some broken bones after the uncontrolled chaos we witnessed here tonight.”

The Canes Emergency Response Team (CERT) was baffled by the sheer number of injuries they had to attend to before EMTs and UM physicians arrived on the scene.

“People started getting knocked into tables, pushed onto the ground,” one club representative said. “We kind of had to wake up, like woah – this is not a drill.”

Not all is gloom and doom, however. Club presidents reported extreme satisfaction at the end of the event, averaging 150 names on their email sign-up lists.

“I’m so impressed with how today went,” said the president of UM Dungeons and Dragons as club officers packed up the stacks of empty Domino’s Pizza boxes at their table. “We’ve never gotten so much interest before! Looks like I’ll have to find a bigger venue for our weekly meetings.”

Jackie Yang is a sophomore majoring in neuroscience and English. The events, characters and organizations described in this work may be fictitious. Any resemblance to real entities is purely coincidental.

August 23, 2015

Reporters

Jackie Yang

Jackie Yang can be reached via email at jyang@themiamihurricane.com.


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Thursday evening: ▪ UM coach Mark Richt has explained his decisi ...

The Miami Hurricanes had traveled half the field to start the second half when coach Mark Richt enco ...

Jeremiah Payton was one of those prospects the Miami Hurricanes coveted from just about the time he ...

The Miami Hurricanes’ secondary continues to get stronger. Miami, which already holds a pair of comm ...

Mark Richt said he’s spending the bye week evaluating everything about Miami’s offense, a process th ...

Two families with deep ties to Miami—the Millers and Fains— celebrate two endowed faculty chair appo ...

A fabulous team of staff and volunteers labors long and hard, primed with school spirit, behind the ...

The University of Miami remembers alumnus Erik Hauri—the man who discovered water on the moon. ...

Through an innovative program, Miami Law students are empowering local high schoolers to think like ...

The global exploration, media, and education company will kick off a national campaign at UM to offe ...

University of Miami head coach Gino DiMare released the Hurricanes' 2019 baseball schedule Thur ...

The University of Miami men's tennis team will take part in the ITA Southeast Regional Champion ...

The University of Miami women's swimming & diving team returns to competition this weekend, ...

The University of Miami volleyball team is set to host Clemson and Georgia Tech in the first of four ...

Four members of the Miami women's tennis team will take part in the ITA Southeast Regional Cham ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.