Opinion, Satire

CaneFest freebies cause chaos

The fresh-faced class of 2019 was rudely awoken by several trampling incidents that occurred at the annual Canefest on Saturday. The event, attended by over 2,000 freshmen and upperclassmen, was overrun by “crazy kids who just really wanted free stuff,” said one distraught source who had been knocked to the ground for the last Whole Foods goodie bag.

By the time the University of Miami riot police got on the scene, there were over 100 injured students and even more freshmen sulking about missing out on free Shake Shack custard.

“It appears that the sheer volume of students desperate for free stuff overwhelmed the limited space in the BUC,” said one officer who managed to make it to the main floor after waiting in line and having flyers shoved in his face for 45 minutes. “Students have been sent to the ER with bruises and some broken bones after the uncontrolled chaos we witnessed here tonight.”

The Canes Emergency Response Team (CERT) was baffled by the sheer number of injuries they had to attend to before EMTs and UM physicians arrived on the scene.

“People started getting knocked into tables, pushed onto the ground,” one club representative said. “We kind of had to wake up, like woah – this is not a drill.”

Not all is gloom and doom, however. Club presidents reported extreme satisfaction at the end of the event, averaging 150 names on their email sign-up lists.

“I’m so impressed with how today went,” said the president of UM Dungeons and Dragons as club officers packed up the stacks of empty Domino’s Pizza boxes at their table. “We’ve never gotten so much interest before! Looks like I’ll have to find a bigger venue for our weekly meetings.”

Jackie Yang is a sophomore majoring in neuroscience and English. The events, characters and organizations described in this work may be fictitious. Any resemblance to real entities is purely coincidental.

August 23, 2015


Jackie Yang

Jackie Yang can be reached via email at jyang@themiamihurricane.com.

Around the Web

An asynchronous learning model provided an opportunity to create a hands-on process with a three-dimensional approach for a fall class. ...

Claire Paris-Limouzy started freediving for research and ended up becoming a record-breaking athlete who is also spearheading a Scientific Freediving program at the University. ...

Sociology scholars from around the world convened for a virtual conference hosted by the University of Miami on Thursday to explore shifting tendencies in international relocation and the implications for global social change. ...

Lauryn Williams, track and field and bobsled medalist, addressed the University community during Wednesday night’s “What Matters to U” virtual event. ...

During his appearance Tuesday on a webinar hosted by the University of Miami Patti and Allan Herbert Business School, tech mogul Eric Yuan highlighted the importance of a workplace culture of happiness and urged that businesses pay greater attention to the digital divide. ...

TMH Twitter
About Us

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.