Opinion, Satire

CaneFest freebies cause chaos

The fresh-faced class of 2019 was rudely awoken by several trampling incidents that occurred at the annual Canefest on Saturday. The event, attended by over 2,000 freshmen and upperclassmen, was overrun by “crazy kids who just really wanted free stuff,” said one distraught source who had been knocked to the ground for the last Whole Foods goodie bag.

By the time the University of Miami riot police got on the scene, there were over 100 injured students and even more freshmen sulking about missing out on free Shake Shack custard.

“It appears that the sheer volume of students desperate for free stuff overwhelmed the limited space in the BUC,” said one officer who managed to make it to the main floor after waiting in line and having flyers shoved in his face for 45 minutes. “Students have been sent to the ER with bruises and some broken bones after the uncontrolled chaos we witnessed here tonight.”

The Canes Emergency Response Team (CERT) was baffled by the sheer number of injuries they had to attend to before EMTs and UM physicians arrived on the scene.

“People started getting knocked into tables, pushed onto the ground,” one club representative said. “We kind of had to wake up, like woah – this is not a drill.”

Not all is gloom and doom, however. Club presidents reported extreme satisfaction at the end of the event, averaging 150 names on their email sign-up lists.

“I’m so impressed with how today went,” said the president of UM Dungeons and Dragons as club officers packed up the stacks of empty Domino’s Pizza boxes at their table. “We’ve never gotten so much interest before! Looks like I’ll have to find a bigger venue for our weekly meetings.”

Jackie Yang is a sophomore majoring in neuroscience and English. The events, characters and organizations described in this work may be fictitious. Any resemblance to real entities is purely coincidental.

August 23, 2015


Jackie Yang

Jackie Yang can be reached via email at jyang@themiamihurricane.com.

Around the Web
  • Error
  • UM News
  • Error

RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: fsocket timed out

Seniors Emily Gossett, Millie Chokshi, and Jason Kaplan are eager to implement their platform throug ...

Follow the sights and sounds of the pregame festivities in Orlando leading up to Saturday’s big game ...

A team of researchers created the first mapping model of its kind to track how hate spreads and adap ...

University of Miami professors who study water treatment and civil engineering say that water contam ...

University of Miami experts in health geography, law, and public health weigh in on some of the issu ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/rss.aspx. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.