Opinion, The Maturity Column

Avoid post-graduation regrets with bucket list

Closing in on year two at the U, I’m weighing my approach to my “best four years.”

I’ve had my fun: interviewed President Shalala, dressed in drag for “Rocky Horror” and even once enjoyed the dining hall.

I want to verify that I’m taking advantage of both the campus and the raging metropolis up U.S. 1. Has my odyssey been bold enough to contribute to the UM bucket list?

So I decided to fish for some of the most outlandish escapades students have enjoyed that I can pin to my real-life Netflix queue.

“A producer once asked me and my friend to start a band,” said freshman music major Sydney Robinson.

This sounded neat but not exhilarating, though I did consider asking the loud couple from my floor last year to make a screamo band.

“My friend was jumped by kids with knives on South Beach,” said grad student Emma May at the newly-christened Billy Goat. “But they left the phone on, so she tracked them down.”

So far, my two options were either forming an indie-pop group or wielding a piece to score an iPhone. I didn’t see the benefit in the latter, considering how many iPhone 4s are still at large.

  Surely, there’s a middle ground.

  “I’ve never had sex in the [library]stacks here, but I did [at American University],” freshman Isabelle Soltani said . “I wouldn’t be against it.”

  Sex in the stacks? I’d never try that. But after hearing continuous feedback on its prevalence, I mandated an investigation to validate if this was the staple of the UM bucket list.

When I reached the ninth floor of the Richter library, white signs popped up like prairie dogs screaming: “Quiet zone!”

To follow this rule, I tried acting out “sex in the stacks” to a nearby student, but he asked if I had a pancake fetish.

After navigating to the seventh floor, I secured a private conversation with junior Chris Illes.

“What are the chances someone had sex in the spot you’re sitting in right now?” I asked.

   “On a scale of one to 10, it’s deep in the nines,” he said. “When people don’t have time to relocate the night before a test, they just gotta get a good release sometimes.”

  Unfortunately, library lovin’ apparently existed, but I hoped Illes could supply me with an easier objective to finally spice up my college recipe.

“I spent a night on South Beach and saw homeless people do it.”

Minus the homeless humping, an outdoor slumber party didn’t sound … awful.

“I once ran out of a cab because I was broke and ate s*** on the IM fields.”

Okay, maybe just South Beach then…

  “I once got held at gunpoint in the Grove, and wrestled a guy for my Blackberry Curve.”

Wait … risk my life for a Blackberry?

On second thought, does anyone want to start a band?

Danny New is a sophomore majoring in broadcast journalism. “The Maturity Column” runs each Monday. 

February 22, 2015

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Danny New


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