Man, is Valentine’s Day expensive? I’ve had to cut back so much that, instead of purchasing a new rug this semester, I just sewed a quilt with all my free Orientation shirts from freshman year.
After dropping a fat wad on flowers for all the ladies who swiped right on Tinder, I set out to promote a new romantic occasion to save moolah next year: Valuetines Day.
Fun fact: Wal-Mart drops their candy prices 50% the following morning, and CVS will do the same within a week. So, why don’t we all just celebrate romance the day after, instead?
“We don’t actually make a profit off Valentine’s Day,” said Janella Alfonso of Flowers of Pouparina. “The day after, most of our leftovers are given away to customers we haven’t seen in a while.”
Therefore, I could just procure a few lilies here and there throughout the year, and then reap the rewards February 15th.
But before I started planning that, I had to ensure the same campus amenities would be provided for this joyous event.
After music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha burst into a lecture Thursday to sing “Isn’t She Lovely?” to a 40-year-old male, I spoke with lead crooner Tommy Iglesias to see if his harmonious bunch would serenade valentines for lower prices the following week.
“We’d sure save a whole lotta money on roses,” he said. “I’d consider it.”
Now that I had my answer on appropriate accessories, it was time to figure out it if people would actually prefer the influx of them the following day.
“For being single, the day after is definitely way better,” said junior P.P. (she was too embarrassed to give me her real name). “This year, all I got was a rose and a bag of condoms from my friend … oh wait, hey, they’re banana flavored!”
Fortunately, things turned around for P.P. when she and her friend Mimi both realized they could go see “Fifty Shades of Grey” together and that they were both mad there were “only 20 minutes of sex in the movie.” I’m a matchmaker?
Good news: Clearly single women would enjoy my holiday. Single men?
“Well, s***!” said sophomore David Ocampo. “If I had a girlfriend, my wallet would be saying, ‘Sunday Bro!’”
Well, I had the singles’ vote. However, every couple I found just told me they didn’t care about Valentine’s Day – it’s just an evening for a movie and takeout.
After all this research, maybe Valuetine’s Day should just be an opportunity for single people to eat their feelings for cheap. Though, after my discussion with Ocampo, the lonely army may be depleting rapidly with my pristine matchmaking skills.
“ ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is where I can find all the single ladies and say, ‘Hi, I’m available,’” he said.
Hopefully Ocampo likes bananas.
Danny New is a sophomore majoring in broadcast journalism. As The Miami Hurricane’s humor columnist, he runs “The Maturity Column” once a week.