HUMOR: Survey says peeing in shower commonplace

It was a Tuesday night. My suitemate and I were chilling in my room talking about adult stuff: the economy and “Friends” being on Netflix.

While pondering the societal boundaries of Rachel buying stock in Phoebe’s new Greek life scratch-and-sniff sticker franchise, Smelly Frat, I glanced at my suitemate and proposed a question: “Do you pee in the shower?”

“Of course, man, but don’t tell [my roommate].”

To protect his well being, I won’t mention his name (but you might find it next to Eve’s … not Wall-E). More importantly, he got my brain train chugging and my mental juices flowing about a certain dilemma: Is urinating in the shower acceptable?

As a proud participant of the media research and analysis course, I conducted a survey to garner some data about the psychology and ethics of draining fluids. Sixty-five people took the survey as of Sunday afternoon.

First, I started with the question  on all of our minds: “Do girls pee in the shower?” Seventy-four  percent answered “yes.”

“Everybody f****** does it – it’s like peeing in the pool,” said senior Alex Taylor. (Aliases are used to protect students’ identities.)

Actually, she prescribes peeing as an appetizer.

“Man, I do everything in the shower,” she said. “I pee in there, I wash my face in there – I even brush my teeth in there.” Sounds like a Bowflex Max Trainer for hygiene.

On the other hand, male students had different thoughts regarding female’s draining methods.

“It’s weird for me to think about girls doing that,” said sophomore Maxim Hinds-Hew. “I mean … I’ve never had a vagina.”

But that’s another interesting topic for discussion: How do women pee in the shower? Does the stream trickle down along a leg, or does it shoot out like the death beam in “Independence Day?”

“It kinda has a mind of its own,” said sophomore Christina Tiger.

Regardless, according to my survey, men are still the breadwinner for this activity.

As for the question “Do boys pee in the shower more than girls,” 78 percent answered “yes.”

Well, clearly, peeing in the shower is more ubiquitous than I imagined, so I decided to clear up its cleanliness with an authority figure. Above all, I just wanted to clarify if it’s harmful to the potentially thousands of students who partake.

So I strolled over to Cox (the biology building) and sought out a professor. First, I found a botany professor, but since his name wasn’t Professor Sprout – and he didn’t know what herbology was – I kept moving.

Via another student, I finally arranged an interview with biology professor James Baker.

“Urine is surprisingly clean,” he said. “It’s relatively pure stuff. Actually, it can be quite useful in the shower. It can disinfect fungus if you have athlete’s foot.”

Wait a minute…so athletes can pee in the shower and it’s helpful?

On that note, I’ll be right back … I’m going to the Hecht-Stanford Dining Hall’s athlete section and demanding my special meals – I pee on my feet too! Just don’t tell my suitemates.

Danny New is a sophomore majoring in broadcast journalism. As The Miami Hurricane’s humor columnist, he writes “The Maturity Column” once a week.