As your chief sexual correspondent, I took it upon myself this past Thanksgiving break to study an important travel dilemma for you: the Mile High Club.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of learning about this festive occasion, let me explain via math: you + partner + airplane ride = boom boom.
I have found that this activity is rarely tapped, despite its frequency in movies and pamphlets in doctors’ offices that read “Are you sure you want a vasectomy?”
I’m not saying the Mile High Club is a sexual must that all nymphomaniacs need in order to get their gold membership card, but after two plane rides of testing it out, I can affirm that it is certainly worth a shot. Life is short, so be a crazy college kid.
First of all, it is convenient because there is a certain quality that makes air-and-bare-time easier – a small penis.
That’s right, (almost all) men. That little nub you measured every morning before school actually has a place to fit in.
Think about it, that cabinet labeled as a bathroom in the back of the jet is about the size of the toilet section in the bathrooms of Mahoney Residential College. Which, as most of you know, isn’t even big enough for a real door. For all of the freshman who have never seen Mahoney bathrooms, start hitting on elder students and go look because your “Dining Hall on Steroids” generation doesn’t understand small.
Therefore, a small genitool is a gift that doesn’t require much motion – perfect for enclosed encounters.
Secondly, it relaxes the hell out of you.
Flying keeps getting scarier now that it appears to be an Ebola death trap.
Nothing eases your stresses more than a hot, steamin’ dose of sweaty flesh.
Though, of course, your anxiety level will lower more quickly if you know what you’re doing.
One word: turbulence.
Turbulence is the devil. It spills drinks onto your iPad. It wakes you up from sleeping on that grandma’s shoulder. And, worst of all, it bumps heads in the midst of concentrated intercourse.
Don’t try bending your partner over the toilet – one bump of turbulence and her teeth will be decorating the wall (also, your package will be taking on an extra helping of poopy water).
Your best bet is closing the seat and lid and sitting on the toilet – or, as famous Cowboy-actor and porn star John Wayng might call it: “Reverse Cowgirl.”
That way, turbulence actually becomes your friend because it adds an extra sporadic motion in there for you both. That way, you can conquer your fear of turbulence and embrace it, like Batman would (Christian Bale Batman, not “Lego Movie” Batman).
All in all, the Mile High Club is an experience that certainly adds to your sexual repertoire and recipe book, which is, after all, 90 percent of college.
The other 10 percent is for passing math.