V's Take

Dear V: My man’s marbles don’t match …

V,

I need help. I went to go down on my boyfriend last night, and I noticed that one of his … members … is significantly lower than the other. I have extreme OCD, and the thought of this makes me cringe and want to clean my room a thousand times. How do I learn to deal with this?

Sincerely,

Drooping Dorothy

Dear Lena Dunham,

If this is a problem, you might as well just give up on penis as a whole.

All men’s testies are a little lopsided, and that is why males constantly run into girls.

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it be kind of weird if they were even? Are you really going to tell me that your boobs are perfectly symmetrical? Of course they’re not, and that’s what makes them your boobalas.

Be proud of your boyfriend’s balls. Those are your balls. Might as well stuff them into a jar of pickling juice and let ‘em marinate.

Don’t be so worried about the fact that they’re uneven. You need to appreciate the crookedness of Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

If Righty weren’t trying to get away from Lefty, he would have made a run for it soon. So just appreciate that this outlying cough drop is only as far away as it is for now.

But just try to remember that some of the best things in life are uneven, so you should therefore learn to appreciate the art of the irregular.

First off, look at our city.

Miami is fruitful with an overwhelming ocean of Latinos, and this influx has transformed this not-just-Mexican metropolitan into the Mecca of American-Hispanic culture.

Sure, this city is oozing with crime and cocaine, but that’s what happens when the only available job is a waitressing gig at a Cuban coffee shop.

Next up, there are billions and billions of cars (all strangely lacking functional blinkers) in this ol’ metropolis, and just one road to enter its borders.

Don’t you just love when it’s 3:46 p.m., and you’re wedged in bumper-to-bumper, sandwiched between an overpopulated white van and a bumpin’ Mercedes from 1991?

And, finally, you can’t forget about our city’s income disparity. How many other cities are there in which you can drive past an orgy of homeless locals at the Wynwood Walls, and then see a Maserati slowly roll by without even throwing a half-eaten empanada their way?

This city’s welfare infrastructure is like a love-hate relationship. Half of it is totally miserable, and the other half is bathing in a bisque of gold.

Basically, if you live in Miami, you can handle anything that is uneven.

This is one of the most unfair, cruelly unplanned and unevenly distributed municipalities in the world. So if you can live here, a few displaced testicles shouldn’t bite (and neither should you when you go down).

V

 

November 16, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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