Dear V: My man’s not tender after Tinder …

Dear V,

I’m in a textual relationship, but the boy I’m pining for doesn’t really like texting me first … or texting me last. We met on Tinder, and I know we’re so, so compatible. So what’s his deal? He also hasn’t asked me out on a date, and we’ve been talking for weeks. Please advise.

Textually Frustrated

Dear Textually Frustrated,

Congratulations. You officially have a sixth-grade relationship.

Let me know if he puts your first name on his AIM profile.

Listen, your problem is that you are acting too tame to grab his attention. Knowing you’re compatible is not enough. You have to prove it, or at least earn yourself the opportunity to do so – a.k.a. the big first date.

So, just like that Jimi Hendrix song “Bold as Love,” it’s time to go big so you can go home together.

Therefore, send him something crazy. I’ll address the scale.

On the clean side of the spectrum, you could tell him you bought 50 wings from Buffalo Wild Wings and you need help eating them.

Or you could be less boring. For example, bring Snapchat to the dirty extreme. How about “Fapchat?”

Send him a video of a bed shaking and fake some orgasmic noises in the background (or, if your voice is particularly hoarse that day, just play a video of women’s tennis).

You could also send him a tasteful, battle-tested booty call. You don’t actually have to do anything if he comes, but you just have to get him there. I mean, come on, he used Tinder.

Tell you what – you can send him any of the following texts:

Hey, it’s chilly in my apartment. Can you come keep me warm? I just bought a new queen-size bed. Will you help me break it in? I own leggings.

If you don’t feel like committing that much, another option is just sending him a spicy picture from the shoulder down.

First, go on one of those juice cleanses for a week and empty your body of all toxins and anything else that probably tastes delicious (i.e. gluten products).

Then, venture over to the closet, select your favorite bombshell and lace bottoms and pull them on tight. Holster up those kittens. Kitty want some man candy.

Feel free to go crazy. Dress up as a tiger, Catwoman or Michelle Obama.

If he doesn’t respond to those, then he’s probably brain dead. So, consider this the ultimate weed-out course – orgasmic chemistry.

All in all, men are vultures, and you’re giving him too much credit. He used Tinder for a specific reason, so cater to his iPhone app mantasies.