A student contacted me and needed advice.
He was upset because he had just asked a girl out, and it did not yield a positive result.
He went up to her and said, “For no particular reason, I would like to buy you dinner.”
And, for a certain particular reason, she rejected him.
To convey why his question was an atrocious idea, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you “Confidence: A Play on Words.”
SCENE: A beautiful freshman girl is sitting outside Starbucks at the SAC. She is so beautiful that when the wind blows, she is doing Mother Earth a favor by showing how her gusts can make golden locks shimmer and dance. She is working on chemistry homework while sipping a Starbucks beverage that only cost one monthly car payment. Tim nervously shuffles over to her.
Tim: Oh hey, Cara! Working on that chemistry h-dubs?
Cara: Hi Tim! Yeah, it’s a total buzzkill. Have you finished?
Tim: Yeah, I stayed up late last night. It didn’t take that long because I was listening to Fabolous, so I wanted to finish as quickly as possible.
Cara giggles. Her giggle is so adorable that suddenly, ten angels get their wings. But only six wings because Cincinnati didn’t punt enough in the football game.
Tim: I’m sorry. I should have invited you to do it with me. We could have done it together or something. I don’t know. Maybe I’m kind of rambling now. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Cara: It’s okay! Next time! Ugh, I wish we did though, because I wanted to go to the Grove tonight.
Tim: I like Grove.
Cara: Um, that’s nice. Me too!
Tim: Maybe, for no reason at all, I’m just saying … we could, like, go to the Grove together?
Cara: Are you asking me out on a date?
Tim: What? No … I just … Um ….
Suddenly, a pile of bricks falls from the sky falls on his head. And he dies. He then goes to heaven, where ten hungry angels eat him while awaiting the next football game.
Tim then plummets to the underworld, where he is greeted by Ashton Kutcher.
Tim: Ashton Kutcher, what are you doing here? You’re still alive.
Ashton: I am alive, but my career is dead.
Tim: Oh right. Duh. Ashton, I don’t understand, why am in hell? I’m a good boy. I always carried those UNICEF boxes with me on Halloween so I could hold more candy.
Ashton: Because you’re an idiot, dude. You have no idea how to ask out a woman. Especially Cara. You butchered that one, man.
Tim: What? No way. We were good friends. And I was just asking her to the Grove.
Ashton (in a mimicking voice): “Um … uh … hey Cara ….Will you like…” Failure. Dude, you’re so pathetic. Haven’t you seen “No Strings Attached?”
Tim: No one has.
Ashton: Shut up. I totally avoid getting friend-zoned by the end of that movie. And in “Valentine’s Day,” I end up with Jennifer Garner after being best friends with her for the whole two-hour movie.
Tim: I want those two hours back.
Ashton: Hey man, shut up. I was doing great as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on “Two and a Half Jokes.” But listen, my point is you totally stumbled through that proposal. You can’t just pretend you think you might know what you want. If you want to be with a girl, you have to just ask her out and be confident. Let her know what you want. You can always go back to being friends if she is actually a good friend.
Tim: Wow, that’s actually a good point. Ugh, now I wish I was more assertive and confident with her.
Suddenly, “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias starts playing, and Tim and Ashton walk off sullenly into the sunset.