V's Take

Dear V: Faulty floodgates leave me wanting …

Dear V,

Every time my boyfriend and I start doing the deed, his Hoover Dam breaks too early. It doesn’t leave me any time to enjoy it. What can I do beforehand to make sure he lasts longer?

Sincerely,

Premature Patty

Dear Premature Patty,

First of all, congratulations! Your hotness is officially an issue. Your performance in the sack is making your boyfriend’s skinny-whinny erupt early. Be proud.

But don’t worry. There are plenty of ways to fix this problem.

For example, when the “deed” begins, hold up a picture of his grandma.

Just kidding, don’t do that. Well, technically, that would work. But we don’t need to get that desperate. There’s hope.

To tell you the truth Patty, the best way to solve this problem does not involve you. The easiest path is for your boyfriend to take care of the problem himself beforehand … about 20 minutes beforehand.

Or more like 20 minutes with hand.

This operation will decrease his sensitivity and boost his endurance miraculously. It’s a fact. The second time always takes longer – why do you think we’re still waiting for Jesus’ second coming?

On the other hand, another useful tip – pun intended – is to put the protection on during foreplay.

Ever try tickling a man wearing a sweater? Sure he still giggles, but it’s not the same as when he’s suns-out-guns-out.

This rubber f***y – rhymes with ducky – is at best a protective layer to ensure not only that there is a clean-up crew in aisle sex, but also that the heavy petting doesn’t trigger heavy wetting.

Regardless, he should be wearing the turtleneck anyway, so this is just getting that awkward “It won’t stay on!” section out early. It’s a win-win. Unless he doesn’t wear a condom, in which case, here’s the math:

Premature ejaculation plus no protection equals premature babies with premature ejaculation problems.

Lastly, my final piece of advice for you is to take a deep breath and slow down.

When you eat Lindt chocolate, you let it melt in your mouth, right? There’s no need to immediately chomp down to get to that creamy, gooey ending. It’s more savory that way.

Speed ruins the process, but also begs for an early concert with Urethra Franklin.

So make sure to be the tortoise and not get disgusting goo in your hare.

V

October 5, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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