Dear V: Keep kisses in close quarters

“No, stop! Don’t eat that guy’s face!”

That’s what I screamed as I strolled past a bench outside the Learning Center on Thursday.

It turns out it was just a young, horny couple that decided to mack down hard before class. There actually wasn’t any eating, just passionate, intense kissing.

You know what would have been great though? If they could not.



This angry doctrine is brought to you by “Hotel: a Place to Touch Privates in Private.”

That’s right folks; I hereby ban all public displays of affection.

It’s not okay. No one wants to see you kiss your boyfriend. No one wants to see a head-on collision of tongue and cherry ChapStick.

First of all, is holding hands really not enough? Can’t the other stuff wait? Tongue twisting with your partner in public is like saying, “Hey world! Look at what you don’t have.”

No one likes a bragger. You don’t see President Obama saying, “Sucks to suck, Africa. Have fun dealing with Ebola.”

Point being, it is insensitive – and vulgar – to ride the Public Displays of Affection train around campus because it makes people feel uncomfortable. And it also tarnishes your reputation.

You don’t want someone saying, “Oh, there goes Rachel McDonald. Actually, more like Rachel Mack-Donald.”

College is about morphing into a professional – not into a Venus flytrap.

Instead, save the physical connection for later. Savor it. Put that last slice of “blueballberry” pie in the fridge, and wait for a more appropriate time to devour it.

Think of it this way: if you kiss and caress all the time, it will get less special with each occurrence. For all of you business majors, the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility will decrease the individual value.

So you’re better off saving it anyway – saving it for a place where no one else is watching.

Empty, private places include (but are limited to): a dorm room, a car, a closet, the Stacks (not during finals), a classroom, a bathroom, your parents’ bedroom and a Florida State University library.

So, live it up kids. You have a right to your sexual freedom – just in a safe, closed environment.

And make sure the iCloud isn’t updating itself with your latest endeavor. Look at what happened to J-Law.