Dear V: Tailgates are not for the lightweight

What the hell are you all doing at tailgates?

I had the pleasure of spending time with all of you monsters during yesterday’s game and I have to tell you, I was astonishingly underwhelmed. You guys need to get your s#*! together. I saw more drunk girls stumbling, oxygen masks and seemingly regrettable hookups than I have in a long time.

Don’t think I’m ignorant, I know this happens every year (I was at the UF game last year), but I think it’s important that we, as millenials, take it upon ourselves to practice some basic intelligence during tailgate season.

I don’t mean to sound like dear old Grandma Pearl but what if those pictures end up on social media when you’re applying for jobs? What if you become friends with school administrators and they see them? Again, not to be a Debbie Downer but since we’re in a time when anything and everything is shared, published and posted, we should probably exercise some caution … Just putting that out there.

But beyond just basic social media presence, safety is 100 percent key. People, while the allure of being belligerent at a football tailgate is not lost on me, health is a priority. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a written arrest and gets sent to the hospital. And let’s be honest here, puking and dry-heaving on some fraternity guy’s shoes is never cute.

So if you thought being really drunk was going to get you laid, think again. Because this time all being really drunk got you was your crush walking away from you while shaking the contents of your stomach off his or her hands. Not fun for anyone. Ever.

Also, there’s the issue that most of you teenage drunkards were getting in trouble with the law. I mean does that not spark fear in any of your little heads? No one? Anyone?

Ultimately, it’s a risk versus reward thing. Will taking 15 shots of vodka hook you up with that cutie over there or will you end up on  a date with MDPD in a few hours? And, if and when you do vomit, will you be able to contain it or will your friends have to hold your hair and miss half the game?

A good amount of alcohol is always key when it comes to alleviating any kind of social inhibitions and I’m not telling you all to stop drinking – because I sure as hell won’t – but please, for mine and Pete’s sake, don’t wind up passed out in front of the stadium with paramedics shoving an oxygen mask in your face. Because then your parents will find out. And oh, the trouble you’ll be in then.