Dear V: Sex tapes sometimes wind up on my cloud

So this week we finally got to see what Jennifer Lawrence is hiding behind her Mystique.

You know the cloud? It’s not as fun and fluffy as it seems. Until 2011, whenever someone mentioned a “cloud” we would think of white, cotton candy-like shapes and more recently, the word could sometimes bring to mind a Katy Perry song.

But suddenly, an image that was so often associated with relaxation and euphoria, turned dark and stormy.

We’ve never understood Apple’s iCloud. Even when the company unveiled the new technology, we were confused as to how it worked. We were onboard with the whole, “you will no longer eat up your phone’s memory so fast” thing but that was about it.

And it seems like the cloud is still out of sync with its consumers. Naked pictures of several celebrities were released to the public this week and though Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark never get hot and heavy on camera, these images leave little to the imagination.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to a good nude here and there, I think there is a wonderful, erotic experience that comes from sharing the most carnal version of yourselves with another person. It’s that James Dean-like rebellion that we all crave and I get it, it’s magical.

But ladies – and gentlemen – let’s proceed with caution. If we have never understood the mystical powers of the Cloud why risk ourselves to having our privates displayed on the Internet for that creepy guy in prison to see? Just remember that any Joe Schmoe with a computer can do some IT geek voodoo and get ahold of these private displays of affection.

So here are some humble tips from yours truly to avoid getting caught with your pants down:

1. Turn off iMessage: While you still run the risk of Mister or Miss recipient saving that picture and putting it on the web, it’s much easier to track down. Plus, presumably, the person to whom you’re sending these pictures is a trusted human and will not breach your privacy. I hope.

2. Snail mail: You can get mail all the way from China which means that you can send your boo in California a picture of your snatch. Do we all understand this concept? If it fits, it ships. Check with your local post office for more details on that one.

3. Carrier pigeon: Nobody’s going to shoot down a pigeon to get a look at your privates. I’m just saying.

4. Have real sex … safely: There’s something rebellious about sending a nude picture to your significant other, it’s fun and exciting and it makes us all hot and heavy. But nothing beats the real thing. So why settle for the digital version when you can have a front row seat to your significant other’s genitals? If there’s a distance issue then that’s a different story but good old “bumpin’ uglies” is foolproof if you’re concerned about your image being leaked.

5. Phone sex: The tried and true method for long distance sexual encounters. No images, just your imagination to send you into an erotic whirlwind. Why fix it if it isn’t broken?