Welcome to the University of Miami! I hope your summers were filled with lots of sunshine, food, fun, laughter and flings.
We’re doing things a little bit differently this year. So instead of you sending me questions every few days, I’m going to give you a little bit of insight into my day-to-day. Of course, I’m always available to soothe your sorrows and answer your questions. I’m like that distant older cousin that you only talk to when you really need them. I’m OK with that.
So to kick things off, in honor of the fresh meat that’s been parading around campus this past week, I’m going to share a few tips and tricks that I learned during my time as a sad, little freshman.
One: Hookups are just hookups. Stop dissecting that Orientation week encounter and making it something more than what it was. Ladies, try to remember that 18-year-old guys are not looking for anything serious. Guys, please try to understand that a post-hookup drunk text does not love make. Take a breather and enjoy your options. You can only play the “I was a stupid freshman” card for so long. Cherish that power.
Two: Trying to get with your TA is a bad idea. I really should just leave it at that, but for those of you who need a little bit more handholding and spoon-feeding I’m going to spell it out for you: don’t do it.
I understand that it’s your first semester, and you’re looking to get it on with someone older, wiser and more experienced. Maybe you’ll even absorb more information because osmosis is a powerful thing, right? Wrong. A) swapping spit with a TA will never make you smarter, no matter how often or how many bodily fluids you share and B) when it goes wrong, which it inevitably will, you’ll have to deal with darting eyes staring at you from the back corner of LC 110.
Just trust me, it’s best to stay away from that situation.
Three: Stop eating. Seriously, put the free pizza down. Trust me, in a few months when you go back home, you’ll thank me.
Four: Stop trying so hard. There is not one person that cares about the fact that you’ve skillfully applied five tons of blue eyeshadow. No amount of time or preparation will make you look like Jennifer Lawrence, so unless you’re particularly blessed genetically, you’re going to need to tone it down. As the semester gets going and classes get harder, you’re going to stop planning your outfits and start resorting to sweatpants and old bro tanks anyway, so you might as well start early.
Five: Have fun. You’ve probably been bombarded with cheers, chants and posters all telling you how great these four years are going to be, and they will be. Just remember to not get so caught up in the drama of it all and let loose. You have four years left before you have to be a real adult, so take the time to be a kid.
V