V's Take

Dear V: I can’t get no satisfaction …

V,

I‘m dating this guy and he really sucks in the sack. I refuse to pull a Meg Ryan a la When Harry Met Sally and fake an orgasm … so how can I politely tell him to raise the bar … in bed? Should I hire a coach, or should I coach him and be more precise with my instructions when we’re getting hot?

Help me get a mind-blowing orgasm please 

Dear Nora,

Your not-so-infinite sexual playlist probably has you down in the dumps. If this is your first time in the sack or if you’ve just never really had an orgasm before then it makes sense. You’re frustrated and you’re looking for a good time and this guy just isn’t doing it for you.

It’s worth telling him that he’s not doing it for you – politely, of course – you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. He probably thinks he’s great in bed and is taking liberties a la lizard-tongued Justin Timberlake in “Friends With Benefits.” Save yourself – and the rest of your fellow women in combat – by telling him his sexual repertoire is just not cutting it.

It’s actually really unfair to you to put up with an unsatisfying sexual partner and who is he to get to enjoy the pleasure of your company when you’re clearly not enjoying his? It is not your job to play cheerleader and give him the satisfaction of thinking that he’s making you weak in the knees … because he’s most definitely not.

What you want to do is sit down and have a talk with him. Or just grab his tongue while he’s down there and stop him in his tracks. The cornerstone of every successful relationship is honesty. You should be honest whether you want to continue seeing him for emotional purposes or purely sexual ones (though from this question I don’t see why you would).

If I were you I would chuck this self-satisfying douche canoe in the trash and find yourself someone who’s willing to please. Anyone with low self-esteem is fair game … it sounds cruel, but Michael Cera pulled through in the end, did he not?

V

February 19, 2014

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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