Dear V: I just want to be closer …


So my boyfriend just broke up with me after a three-year relationship, and he said he wanted space because I’m “too clingy” and I “smothered” him. This doesn’t make any sense to me though, because I’ve been living in Miami while he’s in Tallahassee. I thought everything was working out. Here’s where I messed up: I freaked out because I thought he wanted space to cheat on me, so I hacked into his email and Facebook. I also may have called a billion times because I was trying to catch him with someone else. He’s blocked my number and now he wants a full month with no contact. But he said we can meet in December when he’s back in town, and we’ll go out and see if we still have feelings for each other. I know that he never ever cheated and he really just wanted space for school, but I don’t know what to do. Do you think I should still have feelings for him and keep trying to save this relationship?


Clingy and A Bit Crazy


Dear Glenn Close,

While your attraction to your boyfriend may not be so fatal, it’s clear to me that your relationship is a little less than healthy.

Please take as little offense as possible, but why in the hell would you ever snoop through his things? I’m the first one to get cranky and jealous – and I can hold a grudge longer than Lady Liberty has held up her torch but Jesus Christ, I don’t hack into people’s emails.

That’s illegal and, frankly, just a little bit crazy.

I’m glad you think the two of you will get back together in December – apart from being a criminal, you’re clearly clinically insane and need to be checked into a mental facility like yesterday.

You need to stand up for yourself and move on. It’s not worth pining over your gross Tallanasty boyfriend when you could be out experiencing freshman year all over again. If he’s not smart enough to decline his acceptance to FSU, then he’s not smart enough for you to talk to or even be in a relationship with.

Do yourself a favor and forget about him. Keep the “crazy” theme going and burn some pictures of his around a campfire while singing old African tribal songs. It’s a very cathartic exercise, and it might even bring you some good relationship voodoo karma.

Just resist the urge to boil his pet bunny.