Dear V: This spell is as dry as the Sahara Desert …

Dear V,

I’ve been on a major dry spell lately. I don’t know what’s going on, I just can’t seem to find someone I like enough to let into my heart. I recently met this guy at a tailgate and he was nice enough but nothing to spark any emotions. What’s wrong with me? Am I just too busy looking for “the one?” What do I do? Please help!


Pride and Prudeness


Dear Liz Lemon,

You need to get over the idea that you’re going to find a Matt Damon-shaped astronaut and come back to the real world.

“The One” is a fictional character created by Disney movies and romantic comedies. He doesn’t exist, and more importantly, he’s not coming to find you. Charming is too busy hooking up with the next red-headed hussy in a two-piece to realize that you’re even available – but I digress.

There is no such thing as letting someone “into your heart.” We’re in college – the only heart you should be concerning yourself with is that fake one you had to dissect in biology 101 (I’m clearly not a science major).

Don’t worry about opening up emotionally, this is the time in your life when you’re allowed to make out with strangers and meet new people. Take off the chastity belt and have some fun. Men are attracted to confidence. That’s maybe where you’ve gone wrong. You’re probably giving a vibe that says something along the lines of, “I want to maybe get it in, but first I have to fix my shirt because I don’t like the way I look right now, so please stop staring at me.” Get over yourself and man up.

Stick your chest out, pop out your booty and go get it. Fraternity men are thirsty and they don’t discriminate.

As far as that boy from the tailgate, if you’re not about it, you’re not about it. There’s nothing much you can do there.

Go find a lonely SAE.