Weightlifting possible for the gym novice

Danny New
Danny New

At the Wellness Center, you’ll find tall people, small people, and people who can eat all of those people. By this, I am of course referring to the ginormous behemoths who rule over UM’s fitness realm with bulging arms and youth small T-shirts.However, the weight room is not limited to uncomfortably muscular wildebeests. There are also students less likely to eat a small village – ones who have the athletic ability of a jellyfish.

If you are one of them, there are ways to assimilate into campus fitness culture without embarrassment. Do not worry, my fellow skinny willies: I have an impeccable strategy that will successfully introduce us all to the World of Wellness.

First off, we must wear smaller clothing. A key component of the fitness lifestyle is to look as “swole” as possible. No matter your shirt size, buy it two sizes smaller. Or shop at Baby Gap. And don’t forget the headband. Or the oil.

Next, master the gym language. To be a part of the Wellness Center’s vibrant culture, one must partake in the playful banter essential to the lifting society. If someone asks about your training plan, say, “I’m on my hundredth set, so I’ll rep a few more before I switch back to one-handed with these guns.” (This brings me to important key terms. Arms are guns. Abs are washboards. Legs don’t exist at all.)

Finally, my most important point is to literally do none of these things. In fact, if you do, you will be consumed by a large flock of ibises. The only way to appropriately learn weight lifting is to embrace being a novice. Be open about it. Say, “Hey, nice to meet you. Yes, it’s true – I indeed have trouble lifting the toilet seat sometimes.” This flawless tactic lets lifters know that you have no athletic capability but are willing to learn. Wellness warriors will then congregate and act as guides on your quest for muscles.

There are hundreds of people in the Wellness Center who would love to brag and share their workout routine with you. (That’s the only reason they go anyway). Just be honest, and, in no time, you’ll be a muscular brick house. But please, when you get big, don’t eat me.


Danny New is a freshman majoring in broadcast journalism.