V's Take

Dear V: Teach me how to be promiscuous…

Dear V,

Having read the advice you gave me last week, I’m a bit disappointed in your ability to counsel me, V. For one, I’m not 20 years old, and I am by no means a virgin. I am single and on regular birth control given that I am completely open to the idea of casual sex whenever it should occur. You say I’m interested in the thrill of the chase. That’s not true. Trust me, if I could have a relationship with my Vibrating Jimmy Jane, I would. And then you said at the very least I got to relieve stress? It was a very stressful situation! It was the worst. You say it was his technique, I don’t think that was it either. I took a sex class. He knew what he was doing. Why is it that I’ve made a decision to be promiscuous, yet can get turned on the way I’m supposed to? This happened when I tried kissing, touching and having sex too. Alcohol was my best friend this weekend.

Sincerely,

Unhappy and Unhorny

 

Dear Bitter Betty,

Is there a girl version of Whiskey Dick? Because it sounds like your problem may have just been that you were too inebriated to enjoy yourself.

On a much larger scale, you can’t just “make a decision to be promiscuous.” Promiscuity is an art form often aided by alcohol (though in this case it seemed to have been your undoing) and fate. The mood has to be right, and the situation has to lend itself to loose morals and slutty thoughts. Once all these stars align, philandering actions will take their course.

From what you’ve been sending me, you seem like the type of person that has had everything planned out since they were 5 years old. I’d like to exacerbate the fact that this is not one of those things where you can pull out your pink planner and circle the date three weeks in advance. It will eventually just happen and planning ahead won’t do you any good. You’re going to end up frustrating yourself and those around you.

Also, chill out because no one wants to be around someone who’s whining about how they can’t (or won’t) enjoy sex. Everyone should enjoy sex. Stop killing your vibe. Stop killing my vibe. Stop killing everyone’s vibe.

My best advice (since you seem to be dissatisfied with my previous answer) is to just calm the f*@! down. Sip a mojito by the pool, forget your worries and just let things come to you. Trust me, at some point, they will.

The next time a boy who “knows what he’s doing” is trying to touch you, stop thinking and just let it ride. You’d be surprised at the things you’ll accomplish with your thoughts turned off.

Now go watch “Magic Mike” and play with your “Vibrating Jimmy Jane.”

V

August 28, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

A six-pack of Canes notes on a Monday: ▪ If you ever wondered what the Hurricanes would look like if ...

Demetrius Jackson has come through again for his Overtown neighborhood. For the second year in a row ...

Days after praising Mark Richt, Clemson grad transfer quarterback Kelly Bryant has canceled his Frid ...

Mark Richt kept his word. On Thursday, two days before the Miami Hurricanes defeated Virginia Tech 3 ...

The season is evaporating before our eyes. And nothing made that more obvious than University of Mia ...

Erin Kobetz, director of Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center’s Firefighter Cancer Initiative, disc ...

Kristiana Yao, who graduated summa cum laude in May, said she was “still in shock” after finding out ...

UM Libraries is presenting an extraordinary exhibit that immerses the audience in an emotional journ ...

A UM researcher is helping to lead a study on how smoke interacts with clouds and its impact on the ...

People are bombarded with news and information these days, providing opportunities for discourse tha ...

The Canes got back to their winning ways with an impressive 38-14 victory at Virginia Tech. ...

The No. 24 Miami women's basketball team dropped a 75-52 decision Sunday at Iowa State in the P ...

20-point performances from Chris Lykes and DJ Vasiljevic led Miami past Bethune-Cookman. ...

The University of Miami volleyball team forced No. 10 Pitt to five sets in a thrilling match on Seni ...

University of Miami head golf coach Patti Rizzo announced Thursday the signing of three golfers to N ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.