Opinion

Newest campus spectacle turns out to be a labyrinth

The new Student Activities Center (SAC) is finally complete, and I’ve had the opportunity to thoroughly scour the remarkably beautiful sight and to write up a review for any estranged students and/or fans of $46.5 million obelisks who cannot experience it in person.

Externally, this shiny symbol of President Shalala’s might is stunning. The minimalist approach in its architectural design is very zen, almost as if it were designed by that Apple guy, Ashton Kutcher.

Upon very close inspection of the giant columns that (supposedly) keep the SAC from crushing hundreds of students under its $46.5 million weight, I noticed that the materials used are definitely prime. And by that, I mean they tasted great.

However, I ran into a structural issue when I tried to go downstairs via the outdoor stairwell on the south side: I couldn’t. There are two stairways overlapping each other with no signage nor indication of purpose or direction on either. Naturally, I just went down the one closest to me.

Just when I thought I had reached the first floor, I realized I had walked right up to the third floor by way of the second stairway. I tried for hours to escape this confusing vertical maze, but there was no hope. I was trapped in a $46.5 million M. C. Esher painting.

Finally, a kind passerby explained to me that one of the stairways leads to the Rathskeller’s kitchen as she led me out of the labyrinth. The aliens who built this thing really messed up there.

Lastly, I have no reason to believe that the Student Activities Center exists. Despite its realistic presence and solid foundation, I have come across no evidence that suggests there is actually an enormous, white edifice standing just a few steps up from the lake – as if to provide easy passage for the Osceolan mer-people who would like some coffee from Starbucks.

As I sat in the boldly modern (and/or non-existent) 24-hour study lounge, an odd, ephemeral feeling swept over me, and in that moment, I knew I was inside of nothing but a $46.5 million mirage.

Adrian Alonso is a sophomore majoring in creative writing. 
August 27, 2013

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