Dear V: I don’t want to be just a gluten-free lover…

Dear V,

I left my dorm to meet my secret lover, a townie who has no affiliation to UM. I met him at Whole Foods when our hands touched the same box of gluten-free cereal. His hipster glasses met my hand-knit ascot. It was love at first sight. We decided to meet at the Hecht Bridge so that he could take me to his apartment. It’ll be the first night alone together, and I am a little nervous. I just don’t want him to think that this is a fling. This could be love. What should I do?

Love At First Gluten



Dear Don’t Be a Wannabe,

Your scenario sounds like the beginning of a weird Jodie Foster thriller that ends with Jodie looking into the sunshine and saying something like, “We’re alright, but it’ll never be the same.”

I can’t help but be cynical and think the worst about this situation. Townies prey on innocent students lurking through the gluten-free section, which gives the impression that they’re conscious about the environment and food production. But idealism doesn’t usually equate to romance. You have to be realistic.

How old is the townie? How long has it been since he was in a long-term relationship? Is he looking for a hook-up to satisfy his year-long sex famine? These are questions you need to answer before believing that you’re living your Cinderella story.

Yes, love-at-first-sight moments can be successful. Look at John Krasinski and Emily Blunt or Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. This townie may actually be interested in a 19-year-old whose only worries are sociology and surviving finals.

And this moonlight reunion is total bullshit. Guys are not interested in meeting girls by the water and having that rom-com moment. The only thought that crosses their mind during your rendezvous is getting laid. There are guys who are into romance, but all guys have one commonality: thinking with their penises 99 percent of the time. At the very least, this statistic makes the sex less horrible.

If you’re comfortable with unknown identities, dark places and reliving obscure horror films, then you have my blessing. Go forth with your deity and pray for the best. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to give yourself to the townie, then take some pepper spray and possibly garlic. Vampires are running amuck, and you can never be too careful.

You can always change the location. Maybe meet at the nearby BT’s Gentlemen’s Club where you can get a dinner buffet and leave with plenty of other townies. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.