Uncategorized

Dear V: My blowjobs don’t compete with his gay best friend’s…

V,

My boyfriend told me that I was inadequate because I couldn’t give a good blowjob. I dumped him because I realized that he was a total tool. I later found out that he was cheating on me with his gay best friend. How am I supposed to recover from this?

 Dumper Begot Dumpee

 

 

Dear Dumpee,

Don’t beat yourself up because it’s hard to compete against a gay’s blowjob. Don’t ask how I know this. Crazy events at an underground, ‘80s-inspired rave occurred, and I found myself vomiting my binge drinking habits among other bodily fluids. 

I admire that you had the common sense to leave the douchebag. But many men are so unsatisfied with boring girls who just want the missionary position that a good blowjob is a welcomed change. I am not saying it’s your fault, but maybe you bored your boyfriend to the point where he needed to get his gay on.

And don’t try to compete with the average gayboy. They have been practicing since high school, they have years of experience. You should find your sexual niche instead of validating yourself based on your former meathead lover.

Take a pole-dancing class. Work as a hot bartender, making $600 tips because you have a great rack. Hey, consider Hooters as a last resort. Take ownership of your sexuality in whatever way possible. This is not the time to weep in self-pity with a carton of Cherry Garcia.

And your situation is one example of the Relationship Circle of Life. Your ex-boyfriend will eventually find someone else, and you’ll move on, probably scouting for the lawyer or doctor to have more babies to continue the cycle.

And your boyfriend chose his gay friend because he might be dealing with his sexuality. Now with Bravo and Project Runway, you never know anything about anyone. Never assume – that’s my motto.

I really hope you don’t take this singular moment as fodder for your next novel that ends up in the New York Times bestsellers list. I can already see the CW adapting this story to follow up their cha-ching shows “Vampire Diaries” and “Arrow.”

By the way, did you notice that I used multiple puns in my first sentence? Yes, I’m quite the wordsmith.

 

V

March 27, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

The Asa Martin era for the Miami Hurricanes might be coming to an end just six months after it began ...

Avantae Williams and Lorenzo Lingard punctuated Paradise Camp with a chest bump. The Miami Hurricane ...

Sebastian the Ibis of the University of Miami displayed tremendous defense in leading the Pizza Hut ...

June is one of the most important months in the recruiting calendar and the Miami Hurricanes finishe ...

A six-pack of notes from UM’s annual Paradise Camp on Saturday: ▪ Few Canes greats have as unique a ...

Alumna Lauren Crotty reflects on her undergraduate experience and the path that lead her to signing ...

The U.S. women’s national soccer team, competing for the World Cup in France, is entrenched in a cou ...

In the first course of its kind on a college campus, faculty, staff, and students will learn if they ...

University of Miami Libraries is working to establish a University archive of LGBTQ materials. ...

University of Miami football players and coaches mentored area youth at a free football clinic in Ho ...

Five members of the Miami women's tennis team earned All-ACC Academic Team distinction, as anno ...

Eight Miami Hurricanes were among those recognized by the conference with selections to the Track an ...

UM forward Dewan Hernandez was selected 59th overall by the Toronto Raptors in the 2019 NBA Draft. ...

Franco Aubone and Francisco Bastias of the University of Miami men's tennis team were selected ...

The ACC Network is set to launch August 22. If your television provider hasn't yet decided to c ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.