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Dear V: My blowjobs don’t compete with his gay best friend’s…

V,

My boyfriend told me that I was inadequate because I couldn’t give a good blowjob. I dumped him because I realized that he was a total tool. I later found out that he was cheating on me with his gay best friend. How am I supposed to recover from this?

 Dumper Begot Dumpee

 

 

Dear Dumpee,

Don’t beat yourself up because it’s hard to compete against a gay’s blowjob. Don’t ask how I know this. Crazy events at an underground, ‘80s-inspired rave occurred, and I found myself vomiting my binge drinking habits among other bodily fluids. 

I admire that you had the common sense to leave the douchebag. But many men are so unsatisfied with boring girls who just want the missionary position that a good blowjob is a welcomed change. I am not saying it’s your fault, but maybe you bored your boyfriend to the point where he needed to get his gay on.

And don’t try to compete with the average gayboy. They have been practicing since high school, they have years of experience. You should find your sexual niche instead of validating yourself based on your former meathead lover.

Take a pole-dancing class. Work as a hot bartender, making $600 tips because you have a great rack. Hey, consider Hooters as a last resort. Take ownership of your sexuality in whatever way possible. This is not the time to weep in self-pity with a carton of Cherry Garcia.

And your situation is one example of the Relationship Circle of Life. Your ex-boyfriend will eventually find someone else, and you’ll move on, probably scouting for the lawyer or doctor to have more babies to continue the cycle.

And your boyfriend chose his gay friend because he might be dealing with his sexuality. Now with Bravo and Project Runway, you never know anything about anyone. Never assume – that’s my motto.

I really hope you don’t take this singular moment as fodder for your next novel that ends up in the New York Times bestsellers list. I can already see the CW adapting this story to follow up their cha-ching shows “Vampire Diaries” and “Arrow.”

By the way, did you notice that I used multiple puns in my first sentence? Yes, I’m quite the wordsmith.

 

V

March 27, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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