Uncategorized

Dear V: My blowjobs don’t compete with his gay best friend’s…

V,

My boyfriend told me that I was inadequate because I couldn’t give a good blowjob. I dumped him because I realized that he was a total tool. I later found out that he was cheating on me with his gay best friend. How am I supposed to recover from this?

 Dumper Begot Dumpee

 

 

Dear Dumpee,

Don’t beat yourself up because it’s hard to compete against a gay’s blowjob. Don’t ask how I know this. Crazy events at an underground, ‘80s-inspired rave occurred, and I found myself vomiting my binge drinking habits among other bodily fluids. 

I admire that you had the common sense to leave the douchebag. But many men are so unsatisfied with boring girls who just want the missionary position that a good blowjob is a welcomed change. I am not saying it’s your fault, but maybe you bored your boyfriend to the point where he needed to get his gay on.

And don’t try to compete with the average gayboy. They have been practicing since high school, they have years of experience. You should find your sexual niche instead of validating yourself based on your former meathead lover.

Take a pole-dancing class. Work as a hot bartender, making $600 tips because you have a great rack. Hey, consider Hooters as a last resort. Take ownership of your sexuality in whatever way possible. This is not the time to weep in self-pity with a carton of Cherry Garcia.

And your situation is one example of the Relationship Circle of Life. Your ex-boyfriend will eventually find someone else, and you’ll move on, probably scouting for the lawyer or doctor to have more babies to continue the cycle.

And your boyfriend chose his gay friend because he might be dealing with his sexuality. Now with Bravo and Project Runway, you never know anything about anyone. Never assume – that’s my motto.

I really hope you don’t take this singular moment as fodder for your next novel that ends up in the New York Times bestsellers list. I can already see the CW adapting this story to follow up their cha-ching shows “Vampire Diaries” and “Arrow.”

By the way, did you notice that I used multiple puns in my first sentence? Yes, I’m quite the wordsmith.

 

V

March 27, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Wednesday: ▪ The Canes find themselves in the mix for a couple o ...

It was May 2015, and the Miami Herald was reporting for a feature on high school football players ab ...

Deidrick Stanley had his eye on the Miami Hurricanes long before his hometown school finally offered ...

A six-pack of Hurricanes notes on a Tuesday: ▪ UM has only two Rivals.com five-star recruits on the ...

Even five months ago, it would’ve been hard to picture Jaylan Knighton winding up with the Miami Hur ...

A former UM professor started a company dedicated to publishing books on African-American culture, h ...

A group of School of Architecture students visited the Caribbean nation to learn about the historic ...

Faculty with the Miller School of Medicine and Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science w ...

Patricia “Trish” White, dean of the School of Law, is stepping down at the end of the academic year. ...

At the annual Hug the Lake, sustainability manager Teddy Lhoutellier was honored for improving the e ...

Michael Amditis tied a career-high with three hits and a homer to help the #24 Canes sweep FIU. ...

Miami earns sixth seed in Cle Elum Regional, hosted by the University of Washington. ...

The Hurricanes will open an eight-game homestand with a midweek matchup against crosstown FIU on Wed ...

Talking Track is a series that features current members of the Miami track and field program, while ...

The University of Miami Sports Hall of Fame announced that Trajan Bandy is the 26th recipient of the ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.