V's Take

Dear V: My mouth is doing more harm than good…

Dear V,

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, and the sex is fantastic. We always have sex at his place because I have roommates, and he has a one-bedroom apartment. However, it has come to my attention that his neighbors started calling me Moaning Myrtle because of how loud I get, and I feel so embarrassed. So I refuse to have sex at his place, and my place is a no-go. What can we do?

Miserable Moaner

 

Dear Screeching Banshee,

I believe Moaning Myrtle died because she couldn’t fully fulfill her sexual desires. I am paraphrasing, but these people may be on to something besides your obnoxious sexy sounds. Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your “thang.”

I don’t understand why you’re so embarrassed. I would kill for a voice that matches my sexual pleasure. You’re only helping yourself. And your boyfriend definitely appreciates the extent of your “a-ha” moment.

Be proud and loud. Don’t let your boyfriend’s stupid friends, who probably need to watch some freaky fetish porn to get the same reaction, embarrass you.

Wear your “Moaning Myrtle” title with pride. There are, however, think of other ways to describe your gargantuan moaning: the jungle drums in every 15 minutes of “Jumanji,” the few moments before we see Kristen Wiig with Jon Hamm in “Bridesmaids,” or the sound of an iPhone’s car horn ringtone.

You should also remember that the quality of sex depends on the locale. Bedroom sex is safe and casual. Couch is passionate and troubled. The kitchen screams not enough time for a condom.

Try to find a comfortable motel that you can split. The worst-case scenario is to rent a public storage unit and take pride in paying for privacy. You can scream as loud as you want and even practice those moves that you’ve been downloading from your Kama Sutra app.

To be quite honest, you’re doing these people a favor. A wise character once said, “I can’t focus on my porn with all this real sex going on,” (“No Strings Attached,” 2011).

Take pride in the fact that your boyfriend’s neighbors no longer have to pay their monthly subscription to  porn hub.

V

March 6, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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