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Rambo’s College Survival Guide: One simply does not cruise through Miami

The only thing that lasts longer than the brutal, year-long Miami summer is waiting for a red light to turn green. Once it does, a man doing his best Lance Armstrong on PEDs impersonation, casually tries to bike across the cross walk. This is where the frustration of two hours of driving like you’re in a NASCAR race, except at 15 miles an hour, build up enough to give you anger like you’re on PEDs. Before you start taking out pedestrians like it’s your first time playing Grand Theft Auto, read these instructions on surviving the real apocalypse – Miami traffic.

If your vehicle does not have a full throttle air conditioner, than it is a guarantee you will leave the car looking like a zombie from the Walking Dead. Between the two liters of sweat that will leave your body and the UV sun rays slowly roasting your skin, you will basically become an entree off of a KFC menu. If an air conditioner isn’t included in your $100,000 loan package, then the best option is to lose the clothes while driving on Lincoln Road and let it all hang out for better airflow. Sure it sounds like a bad fun. music video, but it’s better than driving in a pool of your own sweat.

Try to turn your stereo up and zone out all of the drivers that do the opposite of everything in an Allstate commercial. The only thing more exhilarating than watching a driver text, eat a foot long sub and pluck their eyebrows while going 70 mph on the highway, is trying to dodge their car when they switch lanes by dramatically swerving without any turn signals. Then you do the same thing to the person in the lane over because you are trying to chase the eyebrow plucker down just so you can let them know how much you appreciate their driving by raising one finger.

Stereotyping makes surviving on the road a little easier. Any driver that looks like they’re still in middle school, probably is. And never trust anyone that looks as old as the Crypt Keeper. They probably can’t see, and thus drive like its bumper cars. The same goes for anyone whose top of the head is level to the steering wheel or for anyone so tall it sticks out the roof of the car. Dare I also say to watch out for women drivers?

Next time you pull up to the 43rd stop sign on the way home and there’s a pickup truck full of illegal roofers in front of you and a bright purple Camaro with speakers on the outside blaring Rick Ross next to you, just think to yourself, “only two and a half more hours until I get home.” Miami driving isn’t getting any better, so if you can’t handle the Mad Max like roads (that’s an 80’s reference; if you don’t understand it, you should), then get a bus pass, because they’re only going to get worse. Especially with all the Quebec license plates.

Kyle Rambo can’t decide on what he wants to major in, so he takes out his frustration on the people that read his writing. He spends most of his time dunking Oreos in milk and watching old 90’s sitcom reruns. The only thing he likes more than complaining is his gel-filled hair.

Rambo’s College Survival Guide is a blog meant to save the student population from all the horrors that come with being a college student. As with this blog, never take life too seriously.

March 3, 2013

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Kyle Rambo


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published in print every Tuesday.