Dear V: Piercings are not a party for two…

Dear V,

My girlfriend is going on a piercing frenzy. She wants to pierce every available and hot part of her body. I am not really into this trend, and I would want to keep the piercing to a minimum. She has threatened to break up with me if I don’t pierce to the same extent. I love her, but I don’t think it’s worth the pain. 

Perfect Pierce


Persnickety Pierce,

I already have this picture of your girlfriend. She bought all the seasons of Criss Angel’s “Mindfreak” on DVD, has the piercing parlor on speed dial and hates being compared to the main character in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” but secretly enjoys the attribution.

The piercings are probably a form of her insecurities, a safety net she needs to keep her relationships and life together.

Forcing you to be a part of this vicious cycle is unjust and makes you only feel guilty about leaving her.

But she may be trying to expose you to a world you have not considered. Perhaps the pain from piercing becomes pleasurable and even sexual.

Your girlfriend is trying to share her interests by forcing a needle through you. Talk about love.

I draw the line with the extent of your girlfriend’s piercings. Undergoing a Prince Charles piercing that can lead to an uncomfortable southern region is not worth the price.

Imagine having sex with all those ornaments, metal clunk and shiny beads distracting you from the task at hand.

Piercings are a subtle art form that is revolutionizing the way we see others, but sex doesn’t need any extra embellishments. If anything, they may cause more trouble, leading to a visit to the health clinic.

If you’re not prepared to become a human canvas, you should start setting your eyes on less cluttered roads.

Your girlfriend’s personal journey is not for the faint of heart and skin. Is her skin elastic? Piercing a vagina is no cakewalk.

And let her know that she will never be able to replicate the fantasy of Daniel Craig getting it on with Rooney Mara. Thank Hollywood movie magic!